Disappointment

I didn't even realize the truth of my own words when in my last blog post I wrote, "Jesus and I have a long week ahead." It's been longer than long. And it's only Wednesday. Last night, I was crushed with the weight of this world, the weight of disappointment. Let me tell you, it was not a good feeling. Honestly, I don't exactly know what caused it. All day, I'd been experiencing really heavy thoughts that seemed to just come out of nowhere--an inescapable feeling that people just can't do anything right. I kept listening to the girls screaming and yelling and laughing out in the hallway of my dorm and all I could think was, "Why is it that they have so much fun making fun of other people and preying on their weaknesses?" I just don't get it. Why do we like so much to put others down? Why does it make us feel good about ourselves? All I could think in response to that was just how awful we must look to Him and how I just can't grasp the fact that He loves us. How can he love someone like me? Someone like any one of us? It's not that I don't believe that He loves us. I believe that wholeheartedly. But it just makes me sad for Him that what he loves is so seemingly irrevocably broken and sinful. I want to actually make Him proud, but I don't know how. Every time my teacher compliments me for my grades and my "moral character," I thank him, awkwardly, not sure how to respond. If I'm such a good person, why am I not making the difference I should be? Why can't I stand up to someone out of love when they're doing or saying something that both they and I know is wrong? Why can't I be what I think He wants me to be?

God's love for us will never cease to be a miracle for me. I am blessed far beyond what I could ever deserve.

I really, truly do not know how to end this post. I feel like my thoughts are incomplete. Like I'm incomplete. Can't I be better than I've been? Of course. Always. But how? How did He do it? Being human is so hard, so frustrating, so aggravating.

Will I ever feel like I've tried hard enough for Him? I think it'd be okay if the answer to that was 'no,' so long as I never stop trying. I just want to make Him happy. I'm aware of how screwed up and broken our world is, so isn't it time for me to do something about it? Then again, our world is beautiful and charming, too, but all of that charm and all of that beauty is Him manifesting Himself to us. Oh, that we could ever deserve such beauty, such love.

I don't know how you did it, Jesus, but I won't rest until I've tried my best, too.

Goodnight, everyone. Good luck with the rest of YOUR week, and God bless and keep you always.

Jesus, don't let go.