Halloween

Tonight turned out to be a pretty scary night. Unfortunately, it's not in the usual Halloween way. Instead of ghosts, goblins, and ghouls, it's more a plaguing fear of loneliness, isolation, and rejection. For about two and a half years of my life, I haven't had to face this feeling, thanks to Dennis. But now, being at two different schools, and facing this really hard decision that could have some pretty unpleasant consequences is leaving me afraid of what may be to come. I'm not ready to be the same girl I was for sixteen years of my life--starved for a real human friend. All in all, I'm feeling pretty low tonight. Dennis has tried talking me out of it, but it just seems to be of no use and I feel bad for how useless he feels right now.

I wish I could tell you all exactly what it is that I'm facing that's causing this overwhelming anxiety, but at the moment, I just can't. I just wish it was my fault that I'm in this situation. Maybe it is, but so far, I can't see how. I'm not sitting around trying to feel sorry for myself. I don't feel sorry for myself, actually. I just feel horrible and afraid. There are only three things that are looking like pick-me-ups right now: Dennis, my family, and prayer.

"Be not afraid," says the Lord. "I go before you always. Come, follow me. And I will give you rest."

I'm going to pray myself to sleep tonight and take my sweet Lord's hand to allow him to lead me to a much-needed rest: rest for my eyes, rest for my mind, and rest for my heart.

Jesus and I have a long week ahead.