Gratitude

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

"Gratitude" by Nichole Nordeman
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I heard this song for the first time today, and it's a good thing I did. It's helping me to revolutionize the funk I've been in all day. As is so typical, today I was hit by yet another bout (the second of this year, already) of loneliness and a lack of direction. It always starts the same way: I have to spend a day alone. You'd think I would have realized before now the reason I feel this way when I'm alone. I have a sinking feeling that it stems from the fact that getting to be with someone on all other days leaves me unsure of how to define myself when they're not around. I'm certainly not complaining about getting to spend so much time with people--that's definitely not the case. But what I've come to realize is that my spending so much time with others is kind of a way for me to block out and ignore that I have failed to define myself as an individual. Not only that, but I've been really slacking in my attempt to grow closer and closer to God. Lately it's felt like when I'm praying and trying to talk to Him, I just can't focus. So instead, I try to just be still and listen, but even that doesn't work. It just gives way to all of the crazy things my brain would apparently rather I think about. This has been, of course, a very frustrating season of my life. Wanting a relationship with someone and failing to make it happen is always hard, especially when you know it's your own fault it's not working out. God cannot be at fault for the condition of my relationship with Him. He's never given up on me. I've never really given up on Him, it's just that I never manage to actually try to cultivate a relationship that's more than superficial.

Sometimes I wonder if it's my lack of consistent friendships that makes my relationship with God so difficult. Moving so much, I never really got the chance to establish long-lasting meaningful friendships in some of the places I lived. Whenever I'm on breaks from college, I feel the weight of friendlessness to a degree I hadn't expected. I realize that on any given day that I cannot hang out with Dennis, I'm more or less stuck inside unless I go out somewhere on my own. Here at home, other than my family, I don't have any friends who call regularly to see if I want to hang out or go shopping or whatever it is girls do together on breaks. It doesn't help that my lack of something to do leaves me cruising facebook and seeing pictures and statuses all about the fun times other groups of friends are having being reunited from their respective colleges over break. I wouldn't say it makes me jealous so much as it makes me sad. I feel as if I have a lot to offer as a friend but don't get the chance at home. At school, I'm surrounded by a good number of friends who love me very much and whom I love. I will never take that for granted. Perhaps, then, I'm taking these at-home dry spells for granted. Perhaps what I perceived before as a lack of friendships at home is actually a blessing--a freeing of my time that I could spend focusing on my relationship with the One who loves and knows me better than any human friend could.

Tomorrow, I'm going to take advantage of this possibility. I'm going to wake up early, go outside, and bury my defeated snapdragon seedlings* along with this funk that I've been in. I'm going to breathe deeply and look around me and take notice of all the little ways God loves me so perfectly, may it be a funny text message from a friend, crisp and cold fresh air, my sweet dog, the vast sky that is unimaginably smaller than God's love and might, and a million opportunities to be more like the Man who knows my heart better than I do, and so on. Maybe I'll end up letting you know all of the little signs of love from God I notice tomorrow. (No promises, though. Goodness knows I never keep promises I make on this blog).

Before I wrap up this blog post (I'm already feeling much, much better), I want to mention how thankful I am for all of the friends I already have in my life. I've been texting back and forth with Maggie since before I started writing this blog tonight when I realized my mood was taking a turn for the worse, and just talking with her has made this day so much better than it was.

I'm going to end it on a good note by praying a rosary and falling asleep in prayer. Mmm. :)

Good night, loves. <3

*I'll write a blog post soon about this. It's a pretty funny story and one of those things that makes me shake my head and think, "*sigh* Story of my life." :p