Advent Reflection: Action in Waiting

Each year, the Little Village community of Amate House hosts an evening of Advent reflections.  We adapt and abbreviate the Hispanic tradition of Las Posadas--a re-enactment of Mary and Joseph's journey to Bethlehem--knocking on doors and being turned away until finally being received at the inn's stable.  Traditionally, Las Posadas is a nine day novena, representing the nine months of Mary's pregnancy.  For our purposes, we condensed the event into one evening full of praying, singing, and reflecting.  At each of our nine stops around our neighborhood, one of my housemates read their reflection on their Amate experience thus far and how it relates to the four (unofficial) themes of Advent:  Waiting, Preparing, Receiving, and Rebirth.  Below you'll find my reflection on the first theme.  Sorry you can't experience it with Mexican sweet bread, ginger snaps, and hot chocolate the way everyone else did! :)


***

"Here Jesus is speaking of his disciples and their preparation for his coming.  Take note that God's kingdom is not formed by any human discovery or intention, however daring and noble, but by the coming of Christ.  ... It is remarkable that not only God, creator of heaven and earth, but also God's people must be a part of this plan. ... There must be people who stand by the door and listen for him and who open it quickly when he knocks.  Workers, not slackers, are dressed for service.  ... God has work that has to be done in work clothes, not in one's Sunday best.  As long as God's kingdom has to be fought for, it is more important to be dressed for work--ready for action..."  -- Christoph Friedrich Blumhardt

In many ways, my college experience was a realization of just how much this world expects us to have everything figured out, or at least pretend we do.  You no sooner pick a major than people begin to bombard you with that dreaded question, “What are you going to do with that?”  Four years were plenty enough time to realize that the world’s perspective aims at knowing who you’re going to be, more than it aims at truly knowing who you are.  For me, this is the difference between those from Blumhardt’s quote who go around wearing their Sunday best, cover model souls with painted faces, and those who are dressed for work, flecked with the smatterings of nitty gritty daily life. 

I think I came into this year of Amate dressed in my Sunday best, with my eye on the person I could be rather than courageously vulnerable, willing to be seen for exactly who I am, faults and all.  As a result, I became something of a self-development junkie, never satisfied with who I am at present, never willing to fully recognize my gifts and talents because all I can see is just how full of holes and cracks I am, how much this part of me needs mending, how much that part of me needs tweaking, and how little that part of me holds up to its potential.

I realized early on—during Orientation, in fact—as my new community began to trade out their best Sunday dresses and suits for muddy shoes and well-worn t-shirts, just what my greatest challenge would be this year.  I would have to slow down and re-orient my perspective so that I no longer had my eyes set on the woman I could be, and God’s will as it would manifest itself in the future, but rather seeing myself clearly and honestly, and living that authentically:  seeing God’s will not in who I would be, but in who I have already become over my twenty-two years of life.  I would have to recognize myself as God’s beloved and be patient and loving towards myself as I had rarely been before, acknowledging, in the words of Carl Rogers:  “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

I had to let go.  I knew I had to be active in my waiting, so I chose to live that paradox, to lose myself in service of others to find myself.  Nowadays, because of Amate, my active waiting looks like dancing like children with a grown man in the middle of the Brookfield Zoo because I took the time to learn what it takes to make his day.  My active waiting looks like deconstructing and broadening my understanding of service to include the slow, laborious cultivation of trust and relationships with elderly who don’t always remember me from one day to the next.  My active waiting looks like pushing myself to the limits of my concept of love to admit that I don’t have all of the answers and inviting my community to share their truth and reality with me.  My active waiting looks like acknowledging the ugly habits I thought I’d left behind as they buck and kick their way into my new life, and allowing my community to hold me accountable for their effects on our shared life.  My active waiting looks like realizing my own dignity and worth as I yield to my community’s boundless love and affection. 

My active waiting is not picture perfect.  It’s messy and wild, and sometimes a little crude.  But it’s more me than I have been for quite some time.  All it took was the letting go and giving in to the kind of faith that believes God’s will is here and now, not just tomorrow; the kind of faith that believes that you shouldn’t search for the meaning of life, but for the meaning you can give life.  You.  Exactly as you are.  Dirty work clothes and all.

During Fall Retreat, I picked up a book by Henri Nouwen from the Amate library.  My forward-looking self urged me to try to read the entire book in one afternoon.  But the preface to the book stopped me in my tracks.  It cautioned the reader to read in small doses, to read the book the way it was written:  one day at a time, one page at a time.  I chastised myself for wanting to speed ahead and lose the weight of the words about to grace my lips.  I’m glad I slowed down, because if I hadn’t, the following quote might not have stayed with me the way it does now.  I might not have given it the chance to permeate to the far reaches of my heart, those little spaces I rarely even let God touch.  It said:  “God is faithful to God’s promises.  Before you die, you will find the acceptance and the love you crave.  It will not come in the way you expect.  It will not follow your needs and your wishes.  But it will fill your heart and satisfy your deepest desire.  There is nothing to hold on to but this promise.  Everything else has been taken away from you.  Cling to that naked promise in faith.  Your faith will heal you.”

Anytime my expectations of myself and future-focused perspective start to cloud my vision and bring me to my knees, I turn to that quote and let it bring back a small taste of the peace it brought me that day.  I pray that this year will fortify in me the kind of faith that believes in the promise of today, and encourages me to find the meaning I can bring to the hand I am dealt each day of my life—whether it be at work, at home, or in the quiet of my own heart.

I expect my self-knowledge to be a lifelong journey, a waiting game of its own, but not a passive one.  It will be spent as intentionally as possible, like the disciples awaiting Christ’s coming.  For me, Christ’s coming will be like God tracing out a constellation from the brightest stars of my life, and delighting in watching my face as suddenly it all comes clear, as suddenly, all of my “I don’t know’s” and “perhaps’s” and “we’ll see’s” spell out a full portrait of who God created me to be.  Until then, sure, I’m waiting.  But I’m not waiting in passivity.  Rather, I’m pouring my heart into the people around me each day, deconstructing the world’s claims on my understanding of myself, and being courageous enough in my vulnerability and faith to trust that my dreams will find me and my stars will align as best serves His kingdom—one day at a time.

Community Night Gone Right AKA Kara's Owner's Manual

I may have explained this before, but each Wednesday evening in our program is designated as a  Community Night.  This is a night set apart each week for us to gather as a community for engagement, discussion, education, or just plain fellowship and fun.  We all leave work about an hour earlier than usual to get the ball rolling by 5pm blunt (we could be a little more punctual, eh, LV?).  Each community night includes a business meeting (scheduling for the next week or weeks to come, updates on house budget and transportation, reflection on the status of community life, etc.)  Following the business meeting, we have dinner as usual (though perhaps more rushed and chaotic). 

After dinner, the night’s theme begins.  Some weeks we travel into the city to hear a speaker.  Some weeks we do service together as an Amate community within the larger Chicago community.  Some weeks we gather with the other two houses to learn more and delve deeper into the five tenets of our program.  Some weeks we, as a house, design our own community night.  And some weeks our community nights are more community-specific and are held in the quirkiness of our own home.

Last week’s was one of those.

I have to admit that when we first cozied up in our second floor community room after dinner, I could sense that very few of us were excited to reorient our brains to focus on whatever we were going to be presented with.  I definitely was not. 

Just the same, our house coordinator, Ali, began explaining our task for the night.  She held up a mostly-blank white sheet of 8½x11 printer paper with the typed heading “_____’s Owner’s Manual.”  I think I actually felt the group’s internal groan, but I might be projecting.  I tend to do that. ;)

“What you’re going to do,” Ali said, “is create an owner’s manual for yourself.  You’ll write it in the third person, outlining the highlights of your personality, warning signs for moods, bad habits, joys, reactions to conflict, pet peeves, areas of improvement, and so on.  You’re going to take half an hour to write up your manual, and then return to the group and share it.  I’ll collect them and make copies to redistribute to all of you.” (She probably said this in a much peppier, cuter, and Ali-esque way, but 1) it’s been a week, so sue me if I don’t remember verbatim 2) I’m paraphrasing and 3) this is my blog so I can misquote and misappropriate as I please. Kidding.  I think.)

We each solemnly collected our blank owner’s manual from her with all of the enthusiasm of someone reporting to jury duty.  Per Ali’s suggestion, we each retreated to different corners of the house where we felt most comfortable writing.  I returned to my Blog Headquarters aka my bed, and started writing.

I shouldn’t, but will, speak for my housemates when I say that we were entirely wrong to not want to put in the effort for that night’s assignment.  Forty-five minutes later, Ali tapped on my bedroom door and informed me that she was giving us another half hour to work on our manuals because most of us had become so involved in the project that we hadn’t finished even the first of the three prompts.  Even after all of that time, when we reconvened on the second floor, some of us, myself included, were still scrambling to squeeze in a few more bullet points.  (I may have also been totally disrespectful to some of my roommates and added a few when they were sharing their manual aloud and I thought nobody would notice.  I willfully cede a heaping handful of community life points for that one.)

It was humbling, exciting, nerve-wracking, and entertaining to share all of our manuals with one another.  I am always exceedingly impressed with and awed by my roommates’ sense of self-awareness.  It may be true of the other two houses, too, but I feel as if my community is made up of a group of really extraordinary 20-somethings.  My roommates were all so honest and forthcoming with their misgivings and so hopeful and willingly vulnerable about their dreams and areas of self-improvement.  I was the last to share that night, and I remember feeling as if I had no right to speak after hearing such accurate portraits of each of my roommates from their very own mouths. 

I ended the evening with a sense of being honored to share a year of each of these peoples’ lives.  I may not always understand them or agree with them or want to be around them (the same could be said of me, I’m absolutely sure), but I feel privileged to be learning what it truly means to love alongside and from them.

---
Below, for your reading pleasure, is my very own Owner’s Manual. I hope those of you who know me well find it to be an accurate snapshot of me.  Feel free to propose bullet points that I missed if you have any, especially as regards my uglier qualities—I’m human so I might’ve sugarcoated mine a little.  I also hope that those of you who don’t know me as well—or at all!—may find this manual enlightening as you continue to read my blog this year (if you so choose!).

Kara’s Owner’s Manual

Becoming Familiar With Me  This section describes the highlights of your personality.  Think about what drives you, both at work and at home.  If you wish, borrow words or phrases from your Strengths report.  Include your greatest talents, as well as your blind spots and failures.

+  WARNING:  Kara is a sensitive introvert and is likely to react to her own and others’ emotions/feelings with extremes (read:  tears). 
+  Kara finds comfort in silence and does not need to talk to enjoy your company.
+  Kara loves to feel busy and must accomplish something measurable each day to feel at peace.  That said, Kara is also always in a constant state of self-evaluation and is never fully satisfied with her personal development; this is true of all aspects of her life:  self-perception, physical, emotional, vocational, spiritual, relational, etc. 
+  Kara loves to learn new things and will often start up new and involved projects; however, Kara is also a perfectionist, and will quickly lose interest in a project when she realizes she’s not naturally gifted at it. 
+  Kara works best under pressure, though she constantly seeks quiet and stability. 
+  Kara tends to be very concerned with meeting expectations—her own and those of others.
+  Kara is perpetually concerned with inclusivity and will go out of her way to achieve it for anyone but herself.
+  Kara is terrified of her ability to hurt other people, but is comfortable standing up for her values and beliefs, even if it makes her feel isolated.
+  Kara thinks very hard about just about anything she wants to say before she says it, which is one reason for why she often prefers writing to talking.

Cautions  This section shares insights on your reaction to stressful situations and confrontations, as well as pet peeves and red flags that would be helpful for your housemates to know.

+  Kara tends to feel other people’s stress acutely, but often fails to recognize her own until she’s overwhelmed.  When this threshold is reached, she will likely have a short meltdown.  Give her some space to commiserate and think for a moment, and soon she’ll be back on her feet, tackling the problem one step at a time.
+  Kara finds group interactions emotionally taxing but rewarding.  She will likely insert one or two comments when she feels comfortable, but otherwise will be quiet and observant, feeling out the room.  If Kara chooses to share a story or thought that requires a whole group’s attention on her, you can be certain she feels she’s sharing something important to her.
+  Kara tends to work through most of her problems on her own, but may come to you if she’s seeking a new way to be challenged or to be held accountable for a decision.  If she asks for your opinion on a situation in her life, it means she’s looking for someone she respects to help her pin down a new goal, especially as regards her relationships with others.
+  While Kara loves to write and appreciates all things of the written word, Kara detests holding conversations via text message or instant messengers like facebook chat.  She feels as though these media, while useful, do not do the least bit of justice to a conversation that can be held in person or to the experience of sharing time and space with another person face-to-face.  She prefers to use these methods of communication only for quick hello’s, silly updates, or to let you know she’s thinking of you.  She will, however, use both text and facebook chat if no other option is readily available. (Be warned that this is one of Kara’s soapbox issues.)
+  Caution:  do not interrupt Kara when you see her reading or writing.  If you need her help or need to speak with her at these moments, it’s best not to just start talking to her.  It takes her a moment to switch gears (especially emotionally).  Simply ask if you can have her attention for a moment.  Once she has closed her book or put down her pen or looked away from her computer, feel free to share what you need to share or ask what you need to ask.

Final Note  This section declares the areas that you are actively working to improve.  Think about your personal goals for the year, and also look at the “Ideas for Action” in your Strengths report for helpful suggestions.

+  Kara is working on her ability to combat her restlessness and constant need for forward motion in her personal and spiritual development.
+  Kara views everything as a work in progress—even you!—and is learning how to appreciate things and people for what and who they are at the present moment while still finding opportunities to (hopefully) graciously share ways she thinks you could grow.
+  In her pursuit of perfection, Kara tends to be very hard on herself.  She is working on being less self-deprecating.  However, Kara also really struggles with pridefulness, and can also have ugly moments of self-righteousness.  She actually would appreciate someone having the guts to call her out—gently but firmly—on these moments because it will lend to her conviction surrounding personal development.  As a result of the aforementioned, Kara struggles with compliments and is learning to accept them graciously.
+  Kara can be impatient with people who don’t know how to or refuse to express their thoughts and feelings.  She is learning how not to put words in others’ mouths and/or force them to share before they would have done on their own.
+  Kara values honesty above all else and will answer any question you ask in sincerity.  She’s not a private person just because she’s quieter than most.  She just refuses to demand attention in the event that you might need that time more than she.  She is learning how to advocate for herself.
+  Kara is always worried about imposing on other peoples’ time and emotions and is slowly coming to believe that her thoughts, feelings, and ideas are deserving of time, respect, and acknowledgement, too.


Hope you survived all of that!  Thanks for reading. :)  Your support and the time you take to read my musings mean more than you could possibly imagine.  Until next time!

Made to Honor

I wonder what you see when you see this picture.

Do you see a young girl making her way down the aisle to witness the marriage of her best friend?

I do too.  But I hear so much more echoing within me when I look at this picture.  After all, the old adage says:  a picture is worth a thousand words.  I’d say that’s fairly apt; this picture is full to bursting with words written deep within my heart. 

When I look at this picture, I see a girl who is walking with quiet purpose towards her God, her patient lover who waits, smiling radiantly, at the altar.

But she has a burning question within her soul:  is her God waiting there to hand her to one of His beloved sons?  Or is He waiting there for her to accept the gentle invitation of His open arms?

This walk—this journey—transpires beneath the watchful gaze and silent support of the one woman who knew how to say an unequivocal “Yes” to the will of her God.  The girl considers the bouquet of flowers in her grip and acknowledges her desire to do as her best friend will do shortly and place her bouquet, the offering of her love and life’s gifts, at the feet of her Heavenly Mother—the first lover, follower, and teacher of her beloved Jesus.

A young boy runs headlong towards his parents just out of the camera’s sight, and the girl seems to wonder if the children that bring such joy to her will be her own, or if she is called to be a mother to the unwanted and abandoned, to the children of others. The girl wonders where her heart fits in the coming of her Beloved’s kingdom. 

She wonders if she will ever meet a man who will strive with all of his might to love her as God does.  She wonders if she will have to seek God’s love and Truth without a warm hand holding her own, guiding her.

She wonders if she will ever loosen her grip on the fetters of broken trust and lost love that plague her weary soul.  She wonders if she will ever stop resisting her God’s gentle touch, untangling her from those chains.

She is full of wonder.

But she is not waiting. 

She is fighting her demons, learning to believe that she truly is God’s beloved, that He has every intention to fulfill His promises in, through, and for her.

She is learning to see herself through His eyes.

She is wrestling with her fear.

She is walking towards her God through it all, anchoring her heart to His, not despite how heavy and burdened hers is, but because He knows and bears that weight and burden with and for her.

She seeks her God joyfully, lovingly, and, most significantly:  hopefully.