Tonight turned out to be a pretty scary night. Unfortunately, it's not in the usual Halloween way. Instead of ghosts, goblins, and ghouls, it's more a plaguing fear of loneliness, isolation, and rejection. For about two and a half years of my life, I haven't had to face this feeling, thanks to Dennis. But now, being at two different schools, and facing this really hard decision that could have some pretty unpleasant consequences is leaving me afraid of what may be to come. I'm not ready to be the same girl I was for sixteen years of my life--starved for a real human friend. All in all, I'm feeling pretty low tonight. Dennis has tried talking me out of it, but it just seems to be of no use and I feel bad for how useless he feels right now.
I wish I could tell you all exactly what it is that I'm facing that's causing this overwhelming anxiety, but at the moment, I just can't. I just wish it was my fault that I'm in this situation. Maybe it is, but so far, I can't see how. I'm not sitting around trying to feel sorry for myself. I don't feel sorry for myself, actually. I just feel horrible and afraid. There are only three things that are looking like pick-me-ups right now: Dennis, my family, and prayer.
"Be not afraid," says the Lord. "I go before you always. Come, follow me. And I will give you rest."
I'm going to pray myself to sleep tonight and take my sweet Lord's hand to allow him to lead me to a much-needed rest: rest for my eyes, rest for my mind, and rest for my heart.
Jesus and I have a long week ahead.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Librarian Hair
When you were younger, did you and your friends ever wind your hair up in a bun and make it stay up that way with a pencil or a pen? I remembered about that the other day while riding the bus with my friend Katie and I've been doing it since. It's kind of fun, actually. It leaves my hair all curly and wavy when I pull it down in a way it refuses to do when attacked with a curling iron. Speaking of my hair, the other day, it smelled overwhelmingly of the pomegranate shampoo I use and I asked MB to smell it. She did that once and has more or less not stopped smelling my hair since. She does it in this really ridiculous manner, too, like a dog sniffling for tracks on the hunt. It's so embarrassing--especially in public. But that's MB. What are ya gonna do?
This weekend, as if you all don't know, is Halloween weekend. MB, Megan, and I have been trying to figure out our Halloween costumes for more than a month now. We've gone through hobbits, 1940's cabaret singers, etc. and finally arrived at The Power Puff Girls. MB, dark hair, tomboy -- Buttercup. Megan, red hair, leader-like -- Blossom. Kara, brown hair, sarcastic -- Bubbles? MB's boyfriend Will was going to be the professor. Then, we realized that our friend Katie would make a MUCH better Bubbles than I ever would, seeing as she has short blonde hair and blue eyes. I switched to being Ms. Keane (the teacher). Then, I found out I have three tests on Monday. In other words--scratch ALL plans. Hahaha. I'll be studying my butt off all weekend, which means I'll miss the finalized Halloween plans--staying in and watching classic "scary" movies like "The Nightmare Before Christmas," "Hocus Pocus," and "The Corpse Bride." In all honesty, I think I'm okay missing it, seeing as I just really need to study. Not to mention, it'll be nice to have the room to myself for the night.
We're getting to that time of year when everyone's trying to figure out what to do for housing for the next schoolyear (AKA Fall 2010 and Spring 2011). Earlier on this fall, Katie and MB started getting ideas together, thinking we were all going to live together in an apartment nearby campus in a quiet little neighborhood that's not too expensive. We were going to go and check out the apartments this weekend, but the agency isn't showing the apartments until January. I'm really not sure what we're looking at as a backup plan, but, I'm starting to look into other options which I'll share more on later when we figure things out. :)
Classes have been absolutely insane lately. I've been working non-stop for weeks on end. I never go to bed at night feeling like everything I need to do is done. I'm constantly anxious about more and more assignments. It's gotten to the point where I don't even do my French workbook anymore until the day before it's due because I don't have time to do it every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It's so frustrating, but it's what I'm paying so much money to do, right? Sigh. It'll all be worth it when I can stand in a library one day and rightfully call it my own.
Perhaps the most frustrating thing I'm dealing with in terms of this schedule is the lack of time to just read for fun. I've been trying to reread the Uglies series that Megan lent me, but it's taking so long because I'm just too exhausted by the time I go to bed. I also got a subscription to Magnificat for my birthday, and I had fully intended to read it every morning, afternoon, and evening. Living in a room with someone you're actually friends with is so much different than rooming with someone who's in a different social circle. I had so much more time to myself to do things that I wanted back then. Now I'm living by my schedule, yet revised by another person. I can't go to bed just whenever I want and I often have to go to the study to finish all of my work. I'm getting used to it and it really doesn't bother me all that much--it's just an adjustment.
Katie and I have been doing a healthy eating challenge, abstaining from caffeinated sodas, ice cream, cake, etc. Every first Friday of a month, we'll be pigging out on sweets and soda--a day affectionately dubbed First Fatty Friday. That Friday is coming up a week from today and I already have an idea as to everything I want to make sure I eat that day. I'm super excited. I can't lie. :)
Megan, Katie, MB and I are all going out now to buy MB a dress for a wedding she has to go to in a week or two.
That's all for now, loves! God bless. <3
This weekend, as if you all don't know, is Halloween weekend. MB, Megan, and I have been trying to figure out our Halloween costumes for more than a month now. We've gone through hobbits, 1940's cabaret singers, etc. and finally arrived at The Power Puff Girls. MB, dark hair, tomboy -- Buttercup. Megan, red hair, leader-like -- Blossom. Kara, brown hair, sarcastic -- Bubbles? MB's boyfriend Will was going to be the professor. Then, we realized that our friend Katie would make a MUCH better Bubbles than I ever would, seeing as she has short blonde hair and blue eyes. I switched to being Ms. Keane (the teacher). Then, I found out I have three tests on Monday. In other words--scratch ALL plans. Hahaha. I'll be studying my butt off all weekend, which means I'll miss the finalized Halloween plans--staying in and watching classic "scary" movies like "The Nightmare Before Christmas," "Hocus Pocus," and "The Corpse Bride." In all honesty, I think I'm okay missing it, seeing as I just really need to study. Not to mention, it'll be nice to have the room to myself for the night.
We're getting to that time of year when everyone's trying to figure out what to do for housing for the next schoolyear (AKA Fall 2010 and Spring 2011). Earlier on this fall, Katie and MB started getting ideas together, thinking we were all going to live together in an apartment nearby campus in a quiet little neighborhood that's not too expensive. We were going to go and check out the apartments this weekend, but the agency isn't showing the apartments until January. I'm really not sure what we're looking at as a backup plan, but, I'm starting to look into other options which I'll share more on later when we figure things out. :)
Classes have been absolutely insane lately. I've been working non-stop for weeks on end. I never go to bed at night feeling like everything I need to do is done. I'm constantly anxious about more and more assignments. It's gotten to the point where I don't even do my French workbook anymore until the day before it's due because I don't have time to do it every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It's so frustrating, but it's what I'm paying so much money to do, right? Sigh. It'll all be worth it when I can stand in a library one day and rightfully call it my own.
Perhaps the most frustrating thing I'm dealing with in terms of this schedule is the lack of time to just read for fun. I've been trying to reread the Uglies series that Megan lent me, but it's taking so long because I'm just too exhausted by the time I go to bed. I also got a subscription to Magnificat for my birthday, and I had fully intended to read it every morning, afternoon, and evening. Living in a room with someone you're actually friends with is so much different than rooming with someone who's in a different social circle. I had so much more time to myself to do things that I wanted back then. Now I'm living by my schedule, yet revised by another person. I can't go to bed just whenever I want and I often have to go to the study to finish all of my work. I'm getting used to it and it really doesn't bother me all that much--it's just an adjustment.
Katie and I have been doing a healthy eating challenge, abstaining from caffeinated sodas, ice cream, cake, etc. Every first Friday of a month, we'll be pigging out on sweets and soda--a day affectionately dubbed First Fatty Friday. That Friday is coming up a week from today and I already have an idea as to everything I want to make sure I eat that day. I'm super excited. I can't lie. :)
Megan, Katie, MB and I are all going out now to buy MB a dress for a wedding she has to go to in a week or two.
That's all for now, loves! God bless. <3
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