Not Faithless, But Believing Be

True Love

2011-08-03T21:23:00.001-07:00

One thought keeps resounding in my head tonight, as I think about what has led me to where I am today:

All love stories, lasting or not, are beautiful, worthwhile, and true so long as one condition is met: they deliver you into the arms of True Love.

After all, what is it that we cherish about the ones we love but God's presence in them? What is it that our yearning for love here on earth, among men, shows us? Our need for the love of God. That arrival into the arms of True Love happens one of two ways: through brokenness or through completion.

Through brokenness, we are made to feel alone, so much so that only with the foundation of faith, upon which we feel mercilessly thrown--cast down, abandoned--can we recognize God's faithfulness to us. True Love desires our happiness, which allows us to believe, even when broken, that true love will do the same. Being broken, we remember to allow God to complete us, the only way we are ever truly complete. Knowing and trusting that God has a plan, and that only that plan, putting full confidence in the strength of True Love, will bring us sincere and lasting happiness, allowing us to recognize that we never knew true love or true happiness until we set our own will aside for God's will.

Similarly (though it seems converse when we cling to and fight for our own will over God's), through completeness, we see the promise and fulfillment of True Love--true happiness, unconditional friendship, compassion, integrity, and sacrificial love--only made possible through God's will. True love will not be achieved by any without the will of True Love at the core of the relationship. Our faith in God gives us the strength to put faith in God's presence in one another, which in turn allows us to trust wholeheartedly in the love we are given (for as long as it is given)--without which we could never give fully of our own hearts.

So I am thankful for the love that I have had, and for the love that I have lost--all of which taught me to trust in my ultimate goal: sincerely loving True Love with abandon.

It's time for me to live up to my mantra and end all of my fears and crying about the damages to my broken heart: not faithless, but believing be. Not my will, God, but Yours be done. Fiat. Amen. Thank You for Truly Loving me despite the fickleness of my own heart.

Send Me On My Way

2011-06-16T19:24:00.001-07:00

Hello, hello!

It's been about two weeks since I last posted, so I figured I should hop on and update you all! You lucky ducks. Actually, this post is mostly happening because facebook is down and goodness knows that when facebook is down, life as we know it changes. And life as we know it involves Kara NOT updating her blog regularly, so clearly: Facebook. Is. Down. :P

In any case, the thing I'm probably most obligated to fill you in on is my internship. After the first day last week, the rest of my days at the library last week and two days this week were spent training to work the reference desk. Good times were had by all! The first two days on the desk, I just sat at the second computer clicking through the modules Connie set up on Scholar for the interns to familiarize themselves with the library. There wasn't a whole lot in there that I didn't already know because most of it you could figure out just spending a day in a library...or being a student and having to write a research paper. But the few points of interest I did learn were these:
+ A patron's privacy must be protected. You can't share what a patron asked about without their permission, even with your spouse, because sometimes the information they're seeking is of a very personal nature (say someone came in asking for a book about prostate cancer because someone close to them was just diagnosed).
+ Working reference is all about bridging the information gap: taking what the patron is actually saying and figuring out exactly what they're looking for and how best to help them. For example, say someone came in asking for "information about Ohio." But what they really want to know is the best places to go bird-watching along Lake Erie. The way you direct them for general information about Ohio and for prime birding locations would be entirely different.
+ Don't ask "yes" or "no" questions while working reference if at all possible. Ask open-ended questions that will draw information out of a patron to help you bridge the information gap.

Maybe all of that is SUPER dorky, but I kind of love it. I was also taught how to work LiveRef, which is the feature on our library's website which allows you to receive help online by chatting with the librarian working the reference desk. I know how to tell if a user is an undergrad, grad, professor, etc. by looking at their information, and how to tell if they're accessing the website from an on or off-campus location by looking at their IP Address. I haven't actually run LiveRef by myself yet, but I'm looking forward to seeing if I'm actually capable of helping.

Otherwise the reference desk is pretty neat. When a patron actually walks up and asks for help, we have a dual monitor system so that they can watch how we work Addison, the library's online catalog. That helps them figure it out for themselves next time, and helps them realize we're not just gurus...we just know our way around the resources. :)

After I finished reading and clicking through all of the modules on Scholar, I started working on cross-checking our database/catalog of books in the collection with this month's list of published works. This is one heck of a list, guys. It's a full book itself, with 7-10 books listed and summarized on every page. What I do is type each title's ISBN into Addison and see if we actually have the book in our libraries. If we don't, I mark a little empty circle next to the title. If we do, I mark a little check. It's fascinating and wonderfully mind-numbing. You really don't have to think much at all while you do it if you don't want to. I've done upwards of 50 pages in the book so far (which is hardly an eighth of the whole thing) and am challenging myself to see how much of the book I can get through this summer. :) You wouldn't believe the prices on some of the books in this list. I've seen some that are upwards of 500 dollars. The really expensive books tend to be references like encyclopedias. It just makes me so curious about which of these books will actually be used someday (our copies specifically...although some of the titles make me wonder who would ever read those books...ever. Hahaha.). In any case, I love even the menial work involved in my internship, so that's GOTTA be a good thing! :D

Neeeext up is updating you on the job front! I waited a week for Mill Mountain to get back to me since I was told they'd call within a few days of my interview. When I didn't receive a call, I called them Monday morning to discover that they'd picked someone else for the job and were keeping me on file in case they ended up needing someone else. Which meant that I was back to square one: more applications. Gross. I stopped in to Jimmy John's and Mike's Grill. Jimmy John's was out of applications so they told me to print one off at home and bring it in. Mike's Grill allowed me to fill one out on the spot and the lady I spoke to actually seemed interested in having me work as a waitress there in the Fall, which would be AWESOME. I love Mike's Grill, so I have a hunch I'd love working there, too. :)

But in any case, that still left me without summer employment, which was part of the deal for me staying in Blacksburg and doing this unpaid library internship. This is where the story gets neat. Tuesday morning, I was really discouraged about the lack of a lead on a job, so I spent the morning doing laundry and watching Gilmore Girls. In the middle of those two activities, my Aunt Terri called and we discussed my job situation as well as life in general (I LOVE HER SO MUCH!) and she said she had already been praying for the job situation to work out for me, but she'd just have to pray extra hard now and have my cousin Abby do the same. As soon as I got off of the phone with her, I saw that I had an e-mail from my brother in my inbox. He had forwarded me information about a job opening for a receptionist at a local independent insurance company. I immediately sent him a thank-you e-mail and e-mailed the woman at the company who had e-mailed a friend of my brother about the job opening for her to forward. By that afternoon, I had an e-mail response and a request to call and set up a time to come in and interview. I did both immediately and went in Wednesday to meet her and talk about my application and resume. She is so so so sweet. The whole office is! It's very family-oriented, and I have a suspicion that almost everyone there is related somehow. As a military brat, seeing a company in a small town where everyone has known each other for years and years and live near enough to each other to be able to work at the same company...that just blows my mind in a good way. Haha.

Today I went down to the office again, but this time for training. ;) I'm officially set to work all week next week 12:30-5pm. I'm so excited! Training was great, but somewhat overwhelming. I just keep reminding myself that this is a small company, so it's nowhere near as overwhelming as it could be. Take Nicole for example, who's one of at least 80 interns and just started with training this week. I can't even imagine how stressful and taxing that must be, so after training today, I still don't feel like I can properly appreciate how tough it is for her to get her bearings in that company. Praying harder for her for sure. Anyway. I was introduced to everyone in the office and then got to learn how to actually work the receptionist desk from a really friendly girl who's going to be a senior this fall at Blacksburg High. Her dad is actually a client at the insurance company, so I got to have another "SMALL TOWNS ARE SO CUTE" moment. Haha. In any case, she was so pro at the job I thought she'd been working there for a while, but she told me she's only been there since Monday! I was sincerely shocked. I hope I catch on as quick as she did. Haha. So far my favorite thing about working as a receptionist (besides the people in the office, whom I really like) is the postage machine for the mail. It weighs the mail and then puts the postage on! OKAY. FINE. Maybe that's not that fascinating. But TRUST me when I say it's fun. :D

Okay. I'm sincerely tired and I'm still fighting with facebook so I can upload my Collegiate Girl Squad video. I'm going to cut you off from over-indulging in boring details about my life. :) I love whoever you are for reading this! <3 Until next time! :)

I should have known...

2011-06-07T20:10:00.000-07:00

...that I would feel like life was finally progressing past its faltering, stuttering, dissonant halt once I set foot in the library. Don't get me wrong. It's a very very subtle progression back towards happiness, but the utter abnormalcy of my new engagement with the library has been exactly the thing I needed all along to feel some semblance of normalcy. Puzzle that one out. ;P

What I mean to say in my pretentious convoluted manner is that I started my internship in the library today, and it was absolutely and utterly incredible. I cannot even begin to explain why it was so amazing to me, but, in true Kara form, you know I'll try just the same. :)

I woke early this morning, before 8 (this is very early for me...don't judge :P) out of sheer excitement--and the fact that Will was banging around in the kitchen, perhaps unaware of just how loud he was. Hahaha. After showering and making myself a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast, I watched the first half of last night's episode of The Bachelorette (GOOD RIDDANCE BENTLEY. UGH.). This delightful diversion used up all of the extra time I had before my 10 o'clock appointment at the library, so I quickly brushed my teeth, snagged my backpack, and ran out the door. I walked to campus because I'm a romantic and that means I love to walk just about anywhere if it is a reasonable distance. Okay...no. I do love walking, but the truth of the matter is that I'm too cheap to buy a parking pass. ;) In any case, I walked to campus, which took me about 15 minutes. I tried calling my mother to catch up as I walked, but she didn't pick up. I arrived at the library 15 minutes early, so I amused myself by walking around several of the stacks on the 3rd floor (and thoroughly freaking out this poor guy who probably thought I was stalking him...whoops).

I knocked on Connie Stovall's door promptly at 9:59AM, which, in my book, is early. Hahaha. Connie Stovall is the fabulous librarian dedicated to the liberal arts and human sciences with whom I am absolutely honored to work. She really is incredibly awesome for having both created this internship and taken all of the associated interns under her wing. I already know that I shall forever see myself as indebted to her for her generosity and kindness. Not to mention that she's very funny and encouraging. I've only interacted with her a few times so far, and I simply cannot say enough about her. If that's not a testament to her character, I don't know what else could be!

Anyway! I knocked on her door, and she greeted me quickly and apologized because our appointment had snuck up on her and eluded her calendar (which I am quickly learning is very dynamic and extremely essential to librarianship). In true form, she immediately set aside what she had been working on and gave me a tour of the library's 6 floors, introducing me to countless other librarians and library professionals along the way. Ohhhhmygoodness. My heart was racing at first, but I quickly fell into pace with everything going on around me. Everyone is so quirky and funny and genuinely nice. I only remember a few of their names, but I'm going to sincerely try to acquaint myself even better with the majority of them, and hopefully help them when I can be of assistance! Connie really wants this internship to be valuable to those interested in librarianship in that she wants our experience to be as varied and wide-ranging as possible, having us take on projects in all sorts of realms of librarianship...some of which I didn't even know existed!

Perhaps one of the funniest things that happened while we made our rounds of introductions was meeting Carolyn Meier and laughing with her and Connie about the library's recent acquisition of several books in the Gossip Girl series, and how they simply could NOT be put in the American Literature stacks. Hahahahaha. I about died. They defended them by saying they were fun to read, but it was just too funny that that was the most that could be said for them. I might end up being involved in a project aimed at evaluating the current juvenile fiction section, as well as the pop fiction section. I might even get to help pick which books are on display on the second floor--the stacks you see directly on your right after the computers when you enter the library along the alumni mall or across from War Memorial Chapel! How cool is that?! I am beyond excited about how great all of this is going to be.

I also had the pleasure of meeting Paul Metz, whom I discovered is the husband of Nancy Metz who does invaluable work for the English Department here. When he discovered that I intend to go to library sciences school, he inquired where I was thinking of going. I immediately responded that I was thinking about UNC Chapel Hill, at which point he stopped me and said, "Think no more." Hahaha. Connie informed me that he did his undergraduate work at UNC, and I have to admit that perfectly explained the utterly smitten look on his face and the way he placed his hand on his heart the moment I said the school's name. You can call me silly, but it was kind of a magical moment for me which made me feel very secure in my decision to apply there! :)

Other highlights of my tour included learning about "Dinosaur Alley" which I won't disclose the meaning of here; actually getting to see "The Important Floor" AKA the 6th Floor "where everything happens" which allowed me to confirm my suspicion that there are vending machines on the 6th floor (I knew that reddish eerie glow I could see from my dorm room all last year had to be a Coca-Cola vending machine! :P); and getting to take a very brief and exclusive tour of the Special Collections (where I got to see Virginia Tech's incredibly aged books, including their Civil War collection...they also have a really fascinating collection that is out of copyright, so they cannot share it and I probably can't talk about it. Gosh. It was all just so cool! I'm the biggest nerd in the world. Hahaha.

It's midnight now, so I should be getting some sleep to prepare for tomorrow! :D I get to learn all about working the reference desk tomorrow as well as go through several intern tutorials! WOOOHOOOO. Day 2, here I come! <3

Before I go, though, here are the non-library-related highlights of my day:
- Dinner with Catie and Alex and Alex's unfortunate D2 meatloaf
- The awkward boys who thought they were being subtle about talking about me and watching me two tables away (usually I'm oblivious to these things, but I caught them out of the corner of my eye and then realized just how obvious they were being. Almost as bad as the two boys that took a picture of me with their cell phone as they drove past on I-95 on Saturday! I will never ever understand. :P)
- Sneaking up on Winfield at the drink fountain
- Seeing Lyndsay from across the dining hall and running to her to get a hug after seeing her super-happy face <3
- Figuring out who I want to dress up as for the Harry Potter Premiere (it's a secret for now ;D)
- Aaaand finally....watching the Colin Firth Pride and Prejudice for the first time ever. Oh. My. Gosh. So much better than the Keira Knightley version! Be still my beating heart. <3

I dearly love the two of you that I know read this blog! ;) Let's hope I actually update again soon! Until then. <3

My Life Right Now

2011-05-27T00:07:00.000-07:00

...is a huge mess. I won't even pretend it's something else. Those of you who know me well enough to know why are the only ones that read this blog, so I won't outright say why. But let's just say it's a justified mess. It has been more than a month (1 month and 12 days to be exact) since the mess-causing incident, and few of those days have been tearless. It's so frustrating. I want to be happy, but I know that I physically and emotionally just CAN'T be. So in that sense, I don't want to be. Because it's part of the healing process, part of getting back to me minus the best friend I have ever had. My life is just one huge Catch-22 right now; I tell myself, "Don't think of him." which, of course, makes me think of him. And then when I try not to think of anything at all, I think of him. And I have to come to terms with the fact that that's okay. That I'm allowed to miss him with all of my heart. I gave him my whole entire heart, and I had it handed back to me in pieces. I'm allowed to not be okay. I just keep reminding myself of Ecclesiastes 3: "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under Heaven...A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance." So I'll weep and mourn. It sounds dramatic, but it's what I feel, and anyone who has loved and lost to the extent that I have can understand that.

One thing that's for sure in this crazy storm my life has become (the English major in me has been loving the pathetic fallacy of Blacksburg raining and thunderstorming several times every single day) is that I have to open my eyes again. I have to re-realize all of the ways in which God blesses my life. And He does. Oh my goodness, does He. I have the most incredible friends a girl could ever ask for--they cry with me and laugh with me, they "walk" me home from movies by phone when I'm sobbing my eyes out in public at 11:30 at night on the busiest street in town, they talk me out of decisions that we both know will just end up hurting me more, they listen to all of the pointless and inconsequential stories that I no longer know who to tell. They just invest their hearts into my wellbeing whenever they can. They open themselves up to being channels of God's love in my life. And that has been my saving grace.

I keep trying to figure out how to "move forward" or "move on" from this. But my heart is putting up such a resistance to it. So I know that what I really need to do is just spend time with the memories of what I've lost (present, past, and future) and cherish them for what the were--the most beautiful days of my life thus far. Effortlessly perfect just because he was there. I trusted him completely and entirely, and he never ever let me down. I still trust him, still believe in him. We had a conversation once in response to one of Father John's homilies about how every person's goal should be to be a saint. I'm pretty sure I was too directionless at that point to really know what I wanted to be a patron saint of and ended up saying something about being the patron saint of hugging or high-fiving, but he knew his right away. He wanted to be the Patron Saint of North American Painters. Maybe that's not the exact semantics of it, but the point is, he knew. And I sincerely believe that's where he's headed. No one with a heart as big as his ends up anything less than a saint.

And THAT is why it's so hard to move on. You don't just forget or replace someone like that. They change you, they change your life, they change your world...and from that point on, everything is redefined. Having your world redefined by someone who has removed themself from it is complicated. It involves redefining your world, your life, yourself on your own, which, may I just say, is no small thing. It's going to be years before I fully come to grips with what has passed. I'm hoping the tears stop before then, but I'm trusting that God has a plan, that He can help me make the most of this redefinition of my world, and help me to be the beautiful woman of God my soul so yearns to be but isn't. WIth or without him, I had a long way to go. With him, it felt more plausible and closer, but, God and I will make this work. It's the nature of the world to throw curveballs. But God's all-time catcher: He's always ready and prepared to help you call the next shot. (Let's be honest, I have NO idea if that's even a proper analogy because as much as I love throwing and catching baseballs, I still don't REALLY know the game...but I was on a roll. Forgive me. :P).

In any case, that's the state of my life right now on the emotional front--accepting my appointed time of weeping and mourning, desiring the happiest of endings: being God's girl through and through.

Fiscally (wow, rocky segue), my life is also a mess. I got an internship with the library for the summer, but it's unpaid and only 10 hours per week. Therefore, I've been trying really hard since the end of the semester to land a summer job that can support my long-anticipated Blacksburg Summer. Nothing has actually panned out yet. I was a traitor to Moe's and actually had an interview at Chipotle (it was a whirlwind as to how that happened, and a good story) but it didn't result in being hired (yet?). I might end up being a Chipotle convert (how's that for redefining your life? :P). I've applied at way too many other places to count. Let's try, though!
1. Books-A-Million! as a barista for their café.
2. Starbucks on Main.
3. Starbucks on University City Boulevard.
4. Edible Arrangements.
5. Poor Billy's
6. Big Al's
7. Mill Mountain Coffee
8. 622 North*
9. PK's*
19. Ceritano's*
11. Chipotle
12. Bookholder's*
13. Ben & Jerry's
14. Student Services Office
15. VT Food Service Wage Pool
16. The Grove (President's Home at VT)

I think that's it. The few starred ones are the ones that I picked up an application from but have not yet returned the application TO the restuarant/company. It's driving me nuts that I've heard nothing from a single one of these, though. It's a lot! Oh well. Trusting that everything will work out for the best.

In other news, I'm going home. Because this job thing just isn't working out yet, I don't need to be in Blacksburg...so I'm not going to be. I can't wait to be home for a few days before my internship starts. I miss my family a lot a lot a lot. <3

Aaaand, that's all I'm going to write for now because I'm TIRED. It's 3:45 in the morning because I was keeping the lovely Ms. Catie company while she worked on her Industrial Design summer lab homework. She's amazing. At life. And drawing the soles of shoes, too! And forgetting to press buttons in elevators! Amazing. ;)

Aaaanyway. Goodbye for now! Let's cross our fingers that I update again soon. :)

New Dorm

2010-08-09T20:34:00.001-07:00

Oh my wow. It feels so so so weird to be back in Blacksburg. I feel like I left just yesterday! There are so many things about this semester and year that are going to be different from last year. First off, I have four shiny new keys on my keyring. That's RA power for ya. ;) I got up way early this morning and just got back from Despicable Me with my Dad, Chad, and Chewie, so I'm kinda extremely pooped. Gotta find stuff for the beds and get some sleep, but I'll edit this tomorrow to be more exciting and less "blah blah blah."

KAY.

Bye until the edit!

<3

Dying for Simplicity

2010-08-08T21:42:00.001-07:00

Hello! :)

So, I've been thinking for a long long time about simplicity. About what that would mean for me in my life. The way I see it, a simple life is one free of useless distractions to the effect of being able to devote all of your time to loving and serving other people. It would mean cutting back my possessions to only the necessities and/or those things that I need/could use to help others. This has been something on my heart for much too long for me to have done so little about it. So, I'm really hoping that when I get out to school, as I'm arranging my room, I can go through my things and weed out the unnecessary. Goodness knows what I'll do with those things, but I'll assume there's a CHKD or Salvation Army somewhere around. :) I just think it's time for me to act on something that God's definitely been calling me to. I want to rise to the challenge and take that step. It's kind of exciting, really!

In other news, I leave bright and early tomorrow morning to go back to school for Fall Semester. I start RA training Tuesday evening, and it's basically going to rule my life for the next couple of weeks, which shouldn't be TOO bad. ;P I'm desperately nervous about moving in tomorrow. I have wayyy too much stuff (all the more reason to make this simplicity thing really happen! :D). It's going to be LOADS of fun showing Chewie around campus, though! She's going to love it. I just know it. :) I can't wait to introduce my dad and Chewie to Father John, too! I hope he's around the House. If not, I'll just have to have them come up on a Sunday during the school year. :)

Last, but DEFINITELY not least, my dad fine-tuned my bike today! I'm so so so excited to get out and start riding! I'm having the hardest time coming up with a name for her, though. Help? :)

Today, I smelled: heavenly German noodles, called Spätzle, which are pretty much my favorite food...ever.
Today, I tasted: Daddy-grilled steak for the first time in much too long. Absolutely delicious and the PERFECT send-off meal. :)
Today, I saw: 8 gabillion people at Wal*Mart raiding the school supplies to take advantage of tax-free weekend. :P I also saw extremely frazzled Wal*Mart employees.
Today, I touched: the last Skinny Dip bowl and spoon I'll be able to for quite some time. We officially need a legit frozen yogurt bar out at school...do we already?
Today, I heard: my new phone fail at life as it insisted on playing one of its dumb default ringtones instead of "Somewhere Beyond the Sea." I want my old phoneeee. :(

Loooooove,
Kara

PS. The next time I write a post, it'll be from my new dorm room! WOOOHOOOOOO!

Matador

2010-08-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

First of all, I am way way way too tired to be writing this, so bear with me. :P I just got back from a Counting Crows and Augustana concert, which was pretty fabulous except for one little thing...

NOTAR. Yes, Notar. I will never, ever really understand rap. I mean, I'm super impressed with some rappers' ability to "spit a rhyme" in the blink of an eye. I still have to use a rhymezone.com when I'm working on a spoof poem or anything that involves a rhyme scheme of some sort. This rapper hails from the Big Apple, and is, as most rappers are, quite full of himself. He paraded around stage, shaking to the music at such to such a rapid rhythm it literally looked like he was being gunned down by a machine gun. Suuuuper awkward to watch if I may say so myself. Plus, he had this song about a matador (if you don't believe me, go to his myspace), and as he rapped it, he actually pulled this towel out of his pocket and started shaking it at his bandmate/singer/whateveryoucallthelessimportantguyinarapgroup. He faked being a bull. I mean. Seriously. This guy was out of control. Not to mention that during the encore when Augsutana and Counting Crows were jamming and having a blast, he was tipping back a beer front and center on stage. Don't get me wrong, guys, I'm SURE he's a lovely person. I just find it interesting that you can make a living doing what he does. :P

My family helped me finish cutting out my care bears today! I have the best family ever. Haha. :)

I'm seriously way way way too tired to think right now, so I'm done for the night! :P Sorry for this lame post. Cheer yourself up with some Matador. ;P

Today, I smelled: the sickly sweet sappy air of a lingering cigar. The smell always simultaneously repulses me and makes me nostalgic.
Today, I tasted: an Otis Spunkmeyer Blueberry Muffin. There's just something weird and wrong to me about individually wrapped muffins. Thoughts? :P
Today, I saw: a five-lined skink. Benny informed me that it's half amphibian half reptile...funky.
Today, I heard: awesome live music. To which I sang/screamed along and lost my voice. :) I love the Counting Crows.
Today, I touched: scissors so many times my right hand is actually bruised. Wow.

Bye for now, lovelies. :) I have ONE day until I go back to school. WHAT.

Streamofconsciousness...

2010-08-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

Helloooo. :) I would apologize for not writing a blog last night, but given what I was doing instead, I don't really actually feel sorry. ;D Last night somewhere around 10:30, I received the first of many HIWELCOMEHOMEWEMISSEDYOUSOMUCH hugs from my dad, who's just returned from a year-long tour of duty in Iraq. And, well, anyone reading this who really knows me knows that 10:30, or even 11:30 when we returned home from the airport, is not so late for me that I wouldn't be able to get a blog up. However, I was spending time with my whole entire 9-person-plus-one-dog family crammed into our little kitchen. :)
As soon as everyone else ran off to bed, I ran TO my bed, but not to sleep. Rather, I curled up with my laptop and spent three hours putting together a video of my dad's return from Iraq, which, if you're friends with me on facebook, you may have already seen. Needless to say, I fell fast asleep while the video was exporting to my computer from iMovie, and thus, my friends, no blog yesterday.
I definitely considered writing a post today for last night and editing the time to make it look like it was from last night, but, well, we all expected me to fail BEDA anyway, so I figured I might as well meet your expectations. ;) That's not to say I'm not going to keep trying to blog for the rest of August, but I missed a day now, so it won't be perfect. Boo. :(
In other news, I should point out that I deserve a round of applause for cheating the US Mail system. I completely abused the privilege that is a postcard by writing on both sides of the divide and cramming the mail-to address up in the top corner where hopefully the angel sorting the mail would see it. I received confirmation that my postcard arrived safe and sound today, so I'm happy. :)
I spent all day today working on the nametags for the girls living on my half of the hall. I do believe I informed the lot of you that I finally made up my mind to stick with the care bears, so, I was cutting, pasting, tracing, freehand drawing, penknifing, taping, and gluing all day. Usually around this time of year, I literally ache to go school supply shopping. After today (and tomorrow, most likely), I'll probably want to run screaming in the other direction the next time I catch sight of that part of Wal*Mart (which I do, um, daily :P). Seriously. My hand is cramping from so much use of scissors. Gah.
Okay, the whining doesn't give you a fair indication, but I had a fabulous day. :) It started with waking up after getting somewhere around four hours of sleep because we all thought I was needed to drive one of our cars to the dealership, but, after thoroughly waking up, it was decided my services were unnecessary. I dithered for a bit and then kicked myself in the butt to go to Mass. Which, I'm so so so glad I did because today was the first Friday of the month, which means (OMG FATTY FRIDAY KATIE. Ahem. Excuse us.) that we had an Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament. :) All of the Knights were out in full gear, swords and all. I love First Fridays so much. And not just for the chocolate silk pie.
Wow. I'm all over the place tonight, so I'm just gonna stop while I'm (not) ahead. :P

Today, I smelled: sautéed onions at 11:00pm when my mom and dad came home and started preparing the Polish food my grandpa made and packed for them. :)
Today, I tasted: said Polish food, which was okay without sour cream, but AWESOME with. ;P Of course.
Today, I touched: a glue stick for the first time in a looong time.
Today, I saw: the Jonas LA episode that airs Sunday night (I love On Demand!). I wish someone could psychoanalyze me and figure out just why I'm so enthralled by the Jonas Brothers. :P
Today, I heard: Sheryl Crow singing with Hannah Montana? Funky. But I do love me some Sheryl. :)

Bye for now, loves! <3

Thoughtful

2010-08-04T20:27:00.001-07:00

On the eve of the very end of my father's deployment, my mind is so full of just SO much. I really can't verbalize much of what I'm thinking or feeling about anything going on in my life right now. I'm pensive. And, usually, that'd be a good thing for this blog. When I have a lot on my mind, this is where that "lot" usually ends up--jumbled and confusing, sure, but it ends up here nonetheless. However, tonight, I somehow just can't find the words to say what it is I'm thinking. There are so many things going on in my life right now, both ugly and beautiful. Maybe these things will find their way onto these "pages" at some point in the near future, but maybe not. In any case, it would seem to me, that although it can be overwhelming, pensiveness is a thing to rejoice in. It does us good to close our mouths--or stop our fingers from moving across a keyboard--sometimes. It does us good to just be quiet and really listen. So that's what I'm doing tonight, loves. I'm sorry if that seems to be a copout, but I promise I don't intend it to be.

Today, I saw: a beautiful silent lightning storm. Crazy, considering the Mother Angelica episode I was watching tonight made mention of just such a storm.
Today, I heard: the words, "Daddy is coming home tomorrow." with definite promise.
Today, I tasted: Bubble Tape. You know, the little pink package with the super sugary gum inside? Mmmm. :) Tastes like 4th grade.
Today, I smelled: the eight-thousand little hand lotions Chewie made me test to see if I liked enough to keep as she attempted to clean off her dresser.
Today, I felt: a tight, loving hug from each of the little siblings I'm going to miss so much while I'm at school. Trying desperately not to take any of it for granted.

Goodnight, loves. And God bless you, whether you know it or not. ;) <3

Kara--The Boss Lady, The Thug, The Resident Advisor

2010-08-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

As you may have gathered from my last blog post, I'm going to be an RA for at least the next year at Virginia Tech. Now, I understand that this might come as a surprise to some of you, considering what you know about me, including how shy I am, how unimposing I try to be, and how, well, let's face it, AWKWARD I am. It's okay, guys. I'm just as shocked as you in some ways. But perhaps none of us were as shocked as my dad. I distinctly remember telling him I got the job; his immediate response was, "Wait...you?! Of all my daughters [of which he has three], I would have pegged you last as likely to be an RA." Haha. Thaaaanks, Dad. ;)

But at the same time, there are a lot of things about myself that I think fit the job. For one, I have this incessant need to be friends with, well, everyone. I love getting to meet and know people. Secondly, more than anything else in the world, I love getting to help people, and as an RA, that pretty much is the overarching job description. Maybe it sounds silly, but I love having to drop everything I'm doing to help someone else with something they're working on. It may not always turn out so well for me and what I had been working on before the desperate plea for help, but, in the grander scheme of things, that doesn't matter all that much to me. Third thing worth mentioning? I have a ridiculous imagination. Maybe you wouldn't have thought that necessary to be an RA, but, from my experience so far, it's been quite a huge help. Please, take a seat. Maybe go grab a snack, too. When I get going, I really don't stop writing. Let me explain just how my imagination has related to my job thus far.

When I first started speculating about taking the job, I turned to my friend Maggie to discuss just what it would be like for me to be an RA. Of course, for us, that meant coming up with what it would be like to be an RA if she were at the same school as me. What we came up with was absolutely ridiculous. It involved doing rounds wearing sheriff badges, boots with spurs, and vests. We played out this hilarious scenario in our heads to the point that we were both gasping for lack of breath from laughing so hard.

Apparently, however, I wasn't done dreaming about ridiculous scenarios for what it would be like for me to be an RA. Stumped about what to write about tonight, I turned to a few people for suggestions. One such person, who claims he didn't want me to recognize him publicly for his involvement in my shenanigans, was half of the mastermind behind what follows.

Since yesterday, I have officially decided to run with the Care Bears name tag ideas, joking that the girls on my half of the hall could be Kara's Bears (yeah, yeah, I know. That's not exactly a testimony to my imagination. Just wait.). When I admitted the ridiculousness of my "Kara's Bears" ideas to He-Who-Chose-Not-To-Be-Named, he remarked "...You're the boss and you can do whatchu want!" And, therefore, dear readers, THIS is, apparently, what I want:

+ Kara's Bears will refer to me as Boss Lady and say "Yes ma'am" and "No ma'am."
+ Better yet, they will refer to me as Mama Bear. Um. Yeah.
+ I will always wear a tweed jacket and have an unlit cigar hanging out of my mouth.
+ When I walk down the hall, any Bear I pass will stop in her tracks, utter only where she was going and with whom she was going with to that place, and then carry on her way.
+ Any time there is more than two Bears in the bathroom, more specifically the shower stalls, they will be required to sing a Disney song in three-part harmony
+ Each Bear must list me as their mother on Facebook
+ At the end of each week, each Bear will be expected to tell me something they've learned that week in school

After only a few weeks (maybe even just days!) of my absolute tyranny as Boss Lady/Mama Bear, my Bears will be so terrified, they will start going to my building coordinator with testimonies such as the following:

It's Sunday afternoon. A tearful Funshine Bear walks into the building coordinator's office, sits down in an overstuffed armchair and begins sobbing, leaving mascara all over the chair's fabric. Mr. Building Coordinator tentatively hands her a tissue, seemingly afraid to get too close, perhaps imagining her weepiness to be contagious. She accepts the tissue and begins blubbering, without being prompted, "This one time, I was just in my room, painting my fingernails, and Mama Bear--"
Mr. Building Coordinator cuts her off, "I'm sorry, who?"
Funshine Bear looks up at him from the wrinkles of her soggy tissue and says in a matter-of-fact tone, "My RA, Kara. That's what she makes us call her."
"She makes you--"
Funshine Bear cuts him off this time. After all, she's Funshine Bear and not Perfect & Polite Panda, "Can I please just finish?"
Mr. Building Coordinator, taken aback, simply nods. Funshine Bear blows her nose into her tissue once more and then continues,
"Thank you. As I was saying, I was just sitting in my room, minding my own business, painting my nails, when all of a sudden Mama Bear stormed in without knocking or announcing herself, snatched the bottle of polish, and crushed it under her steel-toed combat boots, shrieking something about how the color was too similar to her own to be tolerated while I was living under her roof!"
Funshine Bear bursts into tears as she relives the memory, and, at this point, Mr. Building Coordinator is so terrified of Mama Bear himself, he refuses to confront her for fear of having his bottle of nail polish crushed underfoot, never mind the fact that he's a man and doesn't indulge in painting his nails...often.

Um. Yeah. So, there you are. Maybe I'm not so qualified for this job after all. But I've got training in a week, so we'll see by then, won't we? :) Before I'm too embarrassed to give publishing this a second thought, I'm just going to go ahead and fill out my Sense Survey for the night and click "Publish Post". :P

Today, I smelled: chili simmering on the stove while I read Emma in my bedroom. Apparently my sense of smell is clairvoyant. Remember how I thought last night's dinner was chili? Well, tonight's actually was. :P
Today, I saw: that Penelope is available to Watch Instantly on Netflix! So exciting. I haven't seen that yet. :)
Today, I tasted: a spoonful of Red Velvet Cupcake frozen yogurt from the Skinny Dip that Chewie brought home after work and offered to share with me. :)
Today, I heard: Father John's Easter Sunday homily! His homilies are now available for free through iTunes HERE. :D Geeking out. :)
Today, I felt: the weight of an inky fountain pen in my hand and remembered what it feels like to handwrite a letter. Pure euphoria. :)

That's all for now, lovelies! Thanks for putting up with my craziness. :) Mama Bear OUT.

Perfectionist

2010-08-02T22:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,
I. Am. A. Perfectionist. Seriously. It's disgusting. While discussing this with my mom today, we determined that we are 100% sure we have absolutely no idea from whom I got this trait. We definitely know it wasn't either one of my parents. Neither of them were fantastic students, although they're both brilliant in their own respects--my mother in compassion, forgiveness, and motherhood; and my father in common sense, fix-it knowhow, and fatherhood. Do you want proof of my perfectionism? Well, even if you don't, I have a story (or three) for you.

Story number one. As you well know, my dad gets home from Iraq in just a few short days. To welcome him home, my family is creating a large banner on a blank white sheet we bought at Wal*Mart. My mom hinted that I would be the designer behind this project, so I dragged Chewie along to Michael's, where we bought red and blue paint, as well as yellow ribbon and some military camouflage print duct tape Chewie insisted upon. Upon arriving home, we spread the sheet out onto the dining room table. Chewie immediately got out two paper plates and dumped the paint onto them. I, on the other hand, snatched a ruler from the kitchen and began determining the height and width of each letter in each word we intended to paint onto the sheet. My mother and Chewie stared at me blankly before deciding that I was out of my mind for trying to make the letters so neat. After that, every time I tried to make a suggestion or raise a concern about the plausibility of the ideas they were proposing, I was shot down for "being too complicated." As a result, I became very frustrated and decided to walk away from the project for a little while. I felt like an utter jerk for having made something that was supposed to bring us all together tear us apart instead. I just couldn't work with the idea of not trying our absolute best to make the banner perfect for my dad. When I came back to see what my mom and Chewie had done so far, it looked pretty darn good, and they'd even taken some of my suggestions, such as alternating letter colors between blue and red and mapping out the space required for each letter. Funny how they're willing to take my suggestions after I walk away, hm? ;) So in any case, I sat down with the banner a little while later and began to add my own perfectionist touch to it, tweaking smudges into straight lines and lining the letters to give a 3-D pop to the words. I just couldn't leave well enough alone. SIgh.

Story number two. As an RA, I have to make name tags for each girl who will live on my half of the hall this semester/year. We are charged with the responsibility and given the freedom to come up with our own ideas and designs for said nametags. WELL. I was originally going to do something simple, like quality printed images of cartoon characters or the like. Then, that not being good enough, I changed my mind to designing individualized rubber duckies on foam cut-outs. Today, I finally settled on the idea of crocheting a smiley-faced fried egg for each girl's name tag. It's absolutely bonkers. I have at least 36 girls under my domain, which means 36 hand-crocheted fried eggs. Not to mention I planned to hand-embroider each girl's name to her egg. Umm. WHAT. I've done TWO so far (without even having stitched on the faces, and my hand is utterly exhausted. Really. What am I doing to myself?

None of this is helped by the fact that I think I've changed my mind about my design...yet again. I'm thinking Care Bears now, as a play off of my unoriginal nickname Kara Bear. Each of them can have a different bear, assuming there are at least 36 different care bears. Heck if I know. Hahaha. I'll have to do some research! But ONE thing is for sure: I am NOT hand-crocheting care bears. ;P Who knows if I'll even switch to this idea. I'm a mess.

Today, I heard: some of the most ridiculous stories come out of my siblings' mouths. I'm going to miss them.
Today, I smelled: acrylic paints. Not unpleasant, but odd just the same.
Today, I touched: so much yarn my hands feel dry and achey.
Today, I saw: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe paired with French subtitles that I read aloud while making fried eggs.
Today, I tasted: fresh-from-the-oven brownies. Yummm. :)

Until tomorrow, lovelies!

BEDA, I hope.

2010-08-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

Well, hello! It's been quite a summer for me here in flat, sunny, humid Chesapeake. Sounds lovely, hmm? Well, it was, no sarcasm intended. :) Unfortunately, however, my summer is just about up. I can officially feel the clock ticking down. I leave...IN A WEEK. Holy moly. Seriously. When did that happen? I must admit I'm excited, but, at the same time it came WAY too soon.

In more exciting news, my dad returns home this week! It should be around Thursday or Friday, MAYBE Wednesday. I can't believe it's officially been (more than) a year since he left for Iraq. We're all so proud of him, but even MORE excited that he's finally coming home! A lot has changed since he's been gone. For starters, Chad's dating someone! And someone fantastic at that. She's so sweet! In fact, I'll be seeing her bright and early tomorrow morning at 8AM because she's coming to surprise Chad on her only day off from work. Quel adorable! ANYWAY. Many things have changed for us since my dad left, but I'm hoping he transitions very smoothly back into life here at home. :) In the very least, I hope he's still got his knack for discipline, because my younger siblings are getting out of hand with the backtalking. Time for the Man of the House to lay down the law again. Hahaha. They're still the cutest, most loving kids ever, though, so I suppose they'll do. We'll keep them a little longer. ;)

I've just started reading "Emma" by Jane Austen again for the second time! That does not mean that I've read it before, but rather that I've started to read it before. Hahaha. I have a feeling I'll make it through this time because I'm more obsessed with Jane than I was before (believe it or not!). Once I'm finished with that, it's on to Northanger Abbey, Persuasion, and Mansfield Park. And then I will officially have read all of Jane Austen's published works! :) Super exciting if I may say so myself! And I do! Haha.

As you may have guessed from the title (or already know because you're Katie and you're the only person who reads my blog anyhow...HI KATIE), I'm going to try to Blog Every Day in August! We'll see if it actually happens. You guys know I absolutely rot at trying to keep promises about blogging. But if SOMEONE (hinthint) would remind me every day, it'd be easier to remember! :)

In the BEDA spirit, as suggested by HayleyGHoover, I'm now going to make my sense list of the day:
Today, I smelled: chicken patties, which smelled like chili from upstairs. Strange sensation.
Today, I touched: the back of my oldest little brother's new buzzcut, which is one of the most spectacular feelings in the world. Seriously. Go find someone with a buzzcut and rub the back of their head. Thank me later. :P
Today, I tasted: delicious Skinny Dip frozen yogurt--milk chocolate with diced strawberries and chocolate sprinkles. Mmmm.
Today, I heard: our angelic pianist at Church sing for the first time. It gave me shivers. So beautiful!
Today, I saw: two girls walking in the middle of the road, whom I glared at incredulously and promptly felt bad about and wished I could find in my neighborhood to apologize to. Sigh. :(

Bye for now, loves! <3

Harmony

2010-06-10T21:27:00.000-07:00

I've realized more and more lately that just as much as I love to sing along with the melody of a song, I instead choose to sing my own made-up harmony to go along. I don't know if it's just me, but I feel like that's really indicative of the kind of girl I am. I define myself by my relationships with others, the way our lives, our cadences, dance around one another. Without someone else, I am off-kilter, awkward, distracting. But toss in a melody? A friend? I find my way again and together we make something beautiful.
The funny thing about a harmony, though, is that--in a way--it's unnecessary. I mean...I can't count on just my own two hands the number of songs in Church that have harmonies that no one knows of. The melodies are just fine on their own without them. Interesting, no? I don't really know how to define myself outside of living for other people. I feel like I lose my purpose...which makes sense considering a harmony's purpose is to play off and enhance a melody.
Luckily for me, I always have Someone willing to be my melody. Someone who knows just which notes to play so that I can follow along. He throws in crescendos, sforzandos, and trills all for good measure, creating a song that always leaves me smiling. When I learn how to be perfectly in sync with the melody He's writing, my life will finally fall into line.
Until then, I just have to remember: practice makes perfect.

I'm just a happy little harmony. <3

Gratitude

2010-01-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

"Gratitude" by Nichole Nordeman
-----

I heard this song for the first time today, and it's a good thing I did. It's helping me to revolutionize the funk I've been in all day. As is so typical, today I was hit by yet another bout (the second of this year, already) of loneliness and a lack of direction. It always starts the same way: I have to spend a day alone. You'd think I would have realized before now the reason I feel this way when I'm alone. I have a sinking feeling that it stems from the fact that getting to be with someone on all other days leaves me unsure of how to define myself when they're not around. I'm certainly not complaining about getting to spend so much time with people--that's definitely not the case. But what I've come to realize is that my spending so much time with others is kind of a way for me to block out and ignore that I have failed to define myself as an individual. Not only that, but I've been really slacking in my attempt to grow closer and closer to God. Lately it's felt like when I'm praying and trying to talk to Him, I just can't focus. So instead, I try to just be still and listen, but even that doesn't work. It just gives way to all of the crazy things my brain would apparently rather I think about. This has been, of course, a very frustrating season of my life. Wanting a relationship with someone and failing to make it happen is always hard, especially when you know it's your own fault it's not working out. God cannot be at fault for the condition of my relationship with Him. He's never given up on me. I've never really given up on Him, it's just that I never manage to actually try to cultivate a relationship that's more than superficial.

Sometimes I wonder if it's my lack of consistent friendships that makes my relationship with God so difficult. Moving so much, I never really got the chance to establish long-lasting meaningful friendships in some of the places I lived. Whenever I'm on breaks from college, I feel the weight of friendlessness to a degree I hadn't expected. I realize that on any given day that I cannot hang out with Dennis, I'm more or less stuck inside unless I go out somewhere on my own. Here at home, other than my family, I don't have any friends who call regularly to see if I want to hang out or go shopping or whatever it is girls do together on breaks. It doesn't help that my lack of something to do leaves me cruising facebook and seeing pictures and statuses all about the fun times other groups of friends are having being reunited from their respective colleges over break. I wouldn't say it makes me jealous so much as it makes me sad. I feel as if I have a lot to offer as a friend but don't get the chance at home. At school, I'm surrounded by a good number of friends who love me very much and whom I love. I will never take that for granted. Perhaps, then, I'm taking these at-home dry spells for granted. Perhaps what I perceived before as a lack of friendships at home is actually a blessing--a freeing of my time that I could spend focusing on my relationship with the One who loves and knows me better than any human friend could.

Tomorrow, I'm going to take advantage of this possibility. I'm going to wake up early, go outside, and bury my defeated snapdragon seedlings* along with this funk that I've been in. I'm going to breathe deeply and look around me and take notice of all the little ways God loves me so perfectly, may it be a funny text message from a friend, crisp and cold fresh air, my sweet dog, the vast sky that is unimaginably smaller than God's love and might, and a million opportunities to be more like the Man who knows my heart better than I do, and so on. Maybe I'll end up letting you know all of the little signs of love from God I notice tomorrow. (No promises, though. Goodness knows I never keep promises I make on this blog).

Before I wrap up this blog post (I'm already feeling much, much better), I want to mention how thankful I am for all of the friends I already have in my life. I've been texting back and forth with Maggie since before I started writing this blog tonight when I realized my mood was taking a turn for the worse, and just talking with her has made this day so much better than it was.

I'm going to end it on a good note by praying a rosary and falling asleep in prayer. Mmm. :)

Good night, loves. <3

*I'll write a blog post soon about this. It's a pretty funny story and one of those things that makes me shake my head and think, "*sigh* Story of my life." :p

Thanksgiving Break and Musings on Dad's Deployment

2009-11-25T21:47:00.000-08:00

Hello, dears! In two days, I will have been on Thanksgiving Break for a week. That's absolutely crazy; I still feel like I just got home. At the same time, I feel like it's been forever since I was back in my room at Tech. I'm not sure how I can explain those two co-existing feelings, but the disparity definitely says a lot about me.

Since coming home, I've done quite a lot. I've read five books, written one 6 page paper, caught up on iCarly, spent time with my mom, babysat, and just plain relaxed. You have absolutely no idea how good it felt for me to be able to just veg in bed reading for fun. It's been so very long since I've gotten the chance to do that. This semester at school has been so ridiculous that I honestly had not gotten a single chance to read a book for fun. I've started several over the semester, but had not managed to finish a single one. I have a feeling that next semester is going to be just as bad, but I will survive, somehow. Especially if I have such relaxing breaks as this one.

The one non-relaxing element of this break so far was that horrible paper I had to write. I've never had such a difficult time writing a paper in my life. The novel we had to write about, Midnight Cowboy, is so obscure that there weren't any sources about it. That was quite frustrating. It's done now, but I'd venture to say it's one of my worst ever. It just felt disjointed and pointless the whole way through. I hate sending in papers that leave me feeling that way, but, I'll have a chance to make it better after my teacher gets a look at it, so everything will be fine. I'm just glad I have that weight off of my shoulders and can now enjoy the rest of my break. I do still have more work to do over the break, but nothing so horrible and exhausting as a paper.

Because of that unexpected hitch, I didn't get to go to Dennis' show at the NorVa tonight, but he says it was probably their best-sounding show yet, so I'm extremely proud of him. :) I still wish I could have been there to support them. Dennis was the most optimistic he's been after an Early Departure concert tonight, so that was a good sign. In addition to being there for him, I would have been able to see a bunch of people I wouldn't otherwise have seen on break, but, that paper just had to get done.

I'm not excited to spend a holiday without my dad. We all miss him a lot and it'll be rough having the fact that he's not with us so glaringly at the forefront of our thoughts tomorrow, but we'll make it through. My dad has it worse, after all. He doesn't have the rest of the family to console him on the absence. He's by himself in Iraq. I'm sure he and his new friends will find a way to celebrate the holiday that helps them feel a semblance of the comfort he'd feel here at home. I think, next to my family, he'll probably most miss doing all of the cooking in the kitchen with the family. You'd swear we were Italian, we're so loud when we're all together in the kitchen. I'm going to miss that this year. I wish I knew exactly what my mom felt about my dad being deployed. I know it has to be hard on her. I just feel so horrible for her and my dad. To have to be apart for a year when they love each other so much must be so very hard. I know my mom is lifting it all up to Jesus and I'm very glad for that. She knows how to make every season in her life bring her closer to God. My mom is such a beautiful, wonderful person. I'm so blessed to be her daughter.

Sigh. On the brighter side, I got to talk to my dad on the phone for at least twenty minutes yesterday. It was so great to hear his voice and just talk about all the little details of our lives that we don't often get the chance to share anymore. It seems he's definitely coming home for my Spring Break, though, and I'm beyond excited for that. It was frustrating thinking that the date was up in the air for so long. It will be so good to have him home.

I have a lot on my mind and a few things I still need to do before I fall asleep on my all-too-comfortable bed, so I better stop for now. You all know from experience I could go on even longer. :P

Have beautiful Thanksgivings, everyone! Don't forget to thank the One who blesses us all so thoroughly. <3

Time Flies When You're (Not?) Having Fun

2009-11-18T21:42:00.000-08:00

Really? Has it really been two weeks since I last wrote a blog post? That's absolutely insane. I would like to be able to tell you all that things have actually started to slow down, but if I did, I'd be lying. I think the mere fact that I hadn't realized how long it had been since my last blog post. That's not to say that a lot hasn't changed since then, though.

Since last Wednesday, I found out and informed my friends Katie, MB, and Megan that I won't be able to live with them next year due to financial constraints my family and I need to impose. To remedy our current situation, I am applying to be a resident advisor next year. Here at Virginia Tech, not only do Resident Advisors not have to pay for housing, they get paid, too! Twice a month. Craaazy. I'm not really doing it to earn money, though, to be honest. I'm doing it because I really just want to give it a shot. I think I'd be a great RA. The perks aren't bad, either. After all, I get paid, I don't have to pay for housing, I get to make a lot of new friends, I get to make the most of my incessant desire to fix peoples' problems, AND I get a room all to myself. I really hope I get selected for the job. It'd be just TOO much fun. :)

I am pretty upset that I won't be able to live with MB, Katie, and Megan, though. I wish I would have known MUCH earlier in the semester that living off campus just wouldn't work for my family. Katie, MB, Megan and I have been talking, more or less since the semester began, about all of the awesome things we'd do as apartment mates. We had weekly dinners, cleaning parties, dance parties, and so on already in planning stages. It was so much fun to imagine all of the exciting things we would have done together. It's a little sad to hear them continue working on plans for next year without me. For example, today they met with Maria, who is going to be living with them next fall in my place (Megan will be in that room in the Spring). While I don't think I should have been invited and am not sore at all about not having been invited, it makes me sad to think that all of these plans are occurring now without me when I had been suggesting them before. It's okay, though, because I know they'll welcome me over anytime next year. I'll be an honorary apartment mate or something to that effect. Everything will be okay. Plus, if I do get a position as an RA, my room, seeing as I'll have it all to myself, will be a great place for them to come and hang out during the school day so they don't have to go all the way back to the apartment. Things always work out for the best. I have yet to see what "the best" is yet, but I believe it's yet to come. ;D

Right now, I'm staying up late with Katie as she studies for an organic chemistry test she'll be taking Friday morning. Thursday night is our friend Corinne's 20th birthday party and Katie doesn't want to have to worry about studying at all Thursday night while celebrating at Corinne's house. Speaking of Corinne, she told us recently that she just gave her two weeks' notice to Quizzno's which has been keeping her from spending any time with us. We're all VERY excited to get to spend more time with her in the upcoming weeks.

It's crazy to think that it's already getting down to exam time. I've already practically finished one of my classes. I just have to write a reflection on a paper I'm going to write for another class. This week was more or less the worst week I've had so far at Tech. Even worse than the week that I had three tests all on the same day. Even though one of my papers due this week had its due date postponed until next Wednesday, I'm still feeling crushed by this week. I know Dennis is feeling it, too. We haven't gotten the chance to video chat for two days in a row now and I could tell it was getting him down tonight. I feel bad about it, but we've both just been so busy that it couldn't be helped. I just have to keep reminding myself and him that sooner rather than later, we'll be seeing each other in person for Thanksgiving Holiday!

Speaking of Thanksgiving, I'M GOING HOME FRIDAY AFTERNOON. Oh, guys. You have no idea how excited this makes me. I've been DYING to go home and this week has just made that desire all the more poignant. It really has been most dreadful. I'm lucky I have great friends who cheer me up during the week with fun text message conversations and forbidden trips to the café for ice cream. :) I'm convinced that I wouldn't have made it through this week without experiencing a mental breakdown if not for all of them.

A lot has been going on in my life outside of schoolwork recently, too. We just had discernment at Newman for our new Student Campus Minister and Music Minister. I, personally, can't wait for Council Discernment, because I'd really like to be Hospitality Coordinator. The housewife and mother in me is just dying to express itself and I'm convinced this is a healthy channel for it. Haha.

In other Newman News, Megan and I joined a bunch of kids from Newman on a Hike this past Saturday to McAfee's Knob just outside of Catawba, Virginia. I had never been, but, oh, my, goodness I have been missing out. It was absolutely stunning. Despite being the 14th of November, it was absolutely gorgeous outside and I got away with wearing shorts and a tee-shirt. It was about a three and a half mile hike to the top of the knob. Once there, Megan and I went exploring. We tried to make it out to a rock we lovingly dubbed "Pride Rock" due to its uncanny resemblance to the rock of Lion King fame. We sustained quite a number of scratches from thorn bushes and scrapes from rocks and even soaked our butts on unexpectedly wet moss in our attempt. The group was assembling for a group picture and preparing to hike back down to the parking lot just as we started getting really close. Don't worry, Pride Rock, Megan and I will return someday and conquer you. Just you wait. :) We may even bring reinforcements.

On the hike, I met another Kara who, like me, is a sophomore at Tech. She just transfered to Tech at the beginning of this semester and is an absolute sweetheart. I really sincerely hope we get to be good friends because she honestly is one of the nicest people I've ever met. I feel stupid for making a joke about her being my doppelganger the other night at Newman Thanksgiving Dinner because I have been trying so hard not to make her feel like "The Second Kara" if you know what I mean. It's hard enough transferring into a school without someone with your same name stealing your thunder. I hope she doesn't feel like I was trying to stake out my territory like some snobby dog or something. Haha. Okay, now I'm just being ridiculous. But the point is, she's a real sweetheart and I'd love to be her friend. Just think "The Kara's." It'd be hilarious. :)

Newman Thanksgiving was a boatload of fun, too. Megan and I made a funny-looking batch of mashed potatoes after stealing a bowl from the Newman House to make them in. :) We documented the experience with pictures and I can't wait to see how ridiculous I look in them. There was SO much food and SO many people! I wish I had gotten the chance to go around and meet a whole bunch of new people, but I was sitting with Kara and trying to keep watch over the plate of food I made for Megan while she was at a meeting for Relay for Life. I got to talk to my friend John Keenan for quite a while during the dinner which was a lot of fun, considering what a funny person he is. I don't get many opportunities to joke around with him, so I definitely appreciated that time. :)

Katie's still studying for organic chemistry. I never thought she'd stay up past one o'clock doing her own work, but, alas, she has! Amazing. :) I almost feel like writing an essay about her here on this blog just to tease her since she's already said she wants to read this blog post when she's all done studying. Buuut, I think I'm too tired for that, so that'll have to wait. :)

I suppose that this is all for now (ha. ha. ha.), guys!

I love you all. :) God bless you! <3

Disappointment

2009-11-04T21:53:00.001-08:00

I didn't even realize the truth of my own words when in my last blog post I wrote, "Jesus and I have a long week ahead." It's been longer than long. And it's only Wednesday. Last night, I was crushed with the weight of this world, the weight of disappointment. Let me tell you, it was not a good feeling. Honestly, I don't exactly know what caused it. All day, I'd been experiencing really heavy thoughts that seemed to just come out of nowhere--an inescapable feeling that people just can't do anything right. I kept listening to the girls screaming and yelling and laughing out in the hallway of my dorm and all I could think was, "Why is it that they have so much fun making fun of other people and preying on their weaknesses?" I just don't get it. Why do we like so much to put others down? Why does it make us feel good about ourselves? All I could think in response to that was just how awful we must look to Him and how I just can't grasp the fact that He loves us. How can he love someone like me? Someone like any one of us? It's not that I don't believe that He loves us. I believe that wholeheartedly. But it just makes me sad for Him that what he loves is so seemingly irrevocably broken and sinful. I want to actually make Him proud, but I don't know how. Every time my teacher compliments me for my grades and my "moral character," I thank him, awkwardly, not sure how to respond. If I'm such a good person, why am I not making the difference I should be? Why can't I stand up to someone out of love when they're doing or saying something that both they and I know is wrong? Why can't I be what I think He wants me to be?

God's love for us will never cease to be a miracle for me. I am blessed far beyond what I could ever deserve.

I really, truly do not know how to end this post. I feel like my thoughts are incomplete. Like I'm incomplete. Can't I be better than I've been? Of course. Always. But how? How did He do it? Being human is so hard, so frustrating, so aggravating.

Will I ever feel like I've tried hard enough for Him? I think it'd be okay if the answer to that was 'no,' so long as I never stop trying. I just want to make Him happy. I'm aware of how screwed up and broken our world is, so isn't it time for me to do something about it? Then again, our world is beautiful and charming, too, but all of that charm and all of that beauty is Him manifesting Himself to us. Oh, that we could ever deserve such beauty, such love.

I don't know how you did it, Jesus, but I won't rest until I've tried my best, too.

Goodnight, everyone. Good luck with the rest of YOUR week, and God bless and keep you always.

Jesus, don't let go.

Halloween

2009-10-31T19:07:00.001-07:00

Tonight turned out to be a pretty scary night. Unfortunately, it's not in the usual Halloween way. Instead of ghosts, goblins, and ghouls, it's more a plaguing fear of loneliness, isolation, and rejection. For about two and a half years of my life, I haven't had to face this feeling, thanks to Dennis. But now, being at two different schools, and facing this really hard decision that could have some pretty unpleasant consequences is leaving me afraid of what may be to come. I'm not ready to be the same girl I was for sixteen years of my life--starved for a real human friend. All in all, I'm feeling pretty low tonight. Dennis has tried talking me out of it, but it just seems to be of no use and I feel bad for how useless he feels right now.

I wish I could tell you all exactly what it is that I'm facing that's causing this overwhelming anxiety, but at the moment, I just can't. I just wish it was my fault that I'm in this situation. Maybe it is, but so far, I can't see how. I'm not sitting around trying to feel sorry for myself. I don't feel sorry for myself, actually. I just feel horrible and afraid. There are only three things that are looking like pick-me-ups right now: Dennis, my family, and prayer.

"Be not afraid," says the Lord. "I go before you always. Come, follow me. And I will give you rest."

I'm going to pray myself to sleep tonight and take my sweet Lord's hand to allow him to lead me to a much-needed rest: rest for my eyes, rest for my mind, and rest for my heart.

Jesus and I have a long week ahead.

Librarian Hair

2009-10-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

When you were younger, did you and your friends ever wind your hair up in a bun and make it stay up that way with a pencil or a pen? I remembered about that the other day while riding the bus with my friend Katie and I've been doing it since. It's kind of fun, actually. It leaves my hair all curly and wavy when I pull it down in a way it refuses to do when attacked with a curling iron. Speaking of my hair, the other day, it smelled overwhelmingly of the pomegranate shampoo I use and I asked MB to smell it. She did that once and has more or less not stopped smelling my hair since. She does it in this really ridiculous manner, too, like a dog sniffling for tracks on the hunt. It's so embarrassing--especially in public. But that's MB. What are ya gonna do?

This weekend, as if you all don't know, is Halloween weekend. MB, Megan, and I have been trying to figure out our Halloween costumes for more than a month now. We've gone through hobbits, 1940's cabaret singers, etc. and finally arrived at The Power Puff Girls. MB, dark hair, tomboy -- Buttercup. Megan, red hair, leader-like -- Blossom. Kara, brown hair, sarcastic -- Bubbles? MB's boyfriend Will was going to be the professor. Then, we realized that our friend Katie would make a MUCH better Bubbles than I ever would, seeing as she has short blonde hair and blue eyes. I switched to being Ms. Keane (the teacher). Then, I found out I have three tests on Monday. In other words--scratch ALL plans. Hahaha. I'll be studying my butt off all weekend, which means I'll miss the finalized Halloween plans--staying in and watching classic "scary" movies like "The Nightmare Before Christmas," "Hocus Pocus," and "The Corpse Bride." In all honesty, I think I'm okay missing it, seeing as I just really need to study. Not to mention, it'll be nice to have the room to myself for the night.

We're getting to that time of year when everyone's trying to figure out what to do for housing for the next schoolyear (AKA Fall 2010 and Spring 2011). Earlier on this fall, Katie and MB started getting ideas together, thinking we were all going to live together in an apartment nearby campus in a quiet little neighborhood that's not too expensive. We were going to go and check out the apartments this weekend, but the agency isn't showing the apartments until January. I'm really not sure what we're looking at as a backup plan, but, I'm starting to look into other options which I'll share more on later when we figure things out. :)

Classes have been absolutely insane lately. I've been working non-stop for weeks on end. I never go to bed at night feeling like everything I need to do is done. I'm constantly anxious about more and more assignments. It's gotten to the point where I don't even do my French workbook anymore until the day before it's due because I don't have time to do it every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It's so frustrating, but it's what I'm paying so much money to do, right? Sigh. It'll all be worth it when I can stand in a library one day and rightfully call it my own.

Perhaps the most frustrating thing I'm dealing with in terms of this schedule is the lack of time to just read for fun. I've been trying to reread the Uglies series that Megan lent me, but it's taking so long because I'm just too exhausted by the time I go to bed. I also got a subscription to Magnificat for my birthday, and I had fully intended to read it every morning, afternoon, and evening. Living in a room with someone you're actually friends with is so much different than rooming with someone who's in a different social circle. I had so much more time to myself to do things that I wanted back then. Now I'm living by my schedule, yet revised by another person. I can't go to bed just whenever I want and I often have to go to the study to finish all of my work. I'm getting used to it and it really doesn't bother me all that much--it's just an adjustment.

Katie and I have been doing a healthy eating challenge, abstaining from caffeinated sodas, ice cream, cake, etc. Every first Friday of a month, we'll be pigging out on sweets and soda--a day affectionately dubbed First Fatty Friday. That Friday is coming up a week from today and I already have an idea as to everything I want to make sure I eat that day. I'm super excited. I can't lie. :)

Megan, Katie, MB and I are all going out now to buy MB a dress for a wedding she has to go to in a week or two.

That's all for now, loves! God bless. <3

Whushdo-uh Slathba?

2009-08-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

I think at some point tonight, my brain decided that I was absolutely NOT going to be in bed by the time I wanted to be. It also decided, likely due to an overdose (is there such a thing?) of exposure to Kristina's and Hayley's blogs, that I wanted to blog tonight. Or soon. Fair enough, brain. I'll take it and run with it.

I think we can all establish by now that I am absolutely HORRIBLE about keeping promises that I make on the internet. It's a good thing that Dennis and I don't confine our relationship to e-mail, or, uh, we wouldn't have much of a relationship. :P Basically, my point is, I'm going to try to steer clear of making promises of frequent blog posts, or even themed blog posts for that matter. I am, simply put, lazy by nature. I just can't help myself. I appreciate that all of you (all zero of you, that is) allow me to be this way with little (try NO) complaint. Truly, I do.

Point being: It's been awhile, guys. Where to start?

Well, first of all, I'm back at school. Sophomore year, here I am. I'm only halfway through my first week of classes and I am already in this unfortunate limbo of feelings. While being exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally, I'm also excited about routines and schedules and learning. It's definitely a jumble of feelings I'd file under "UNPLEASANT." That's just me, though. Perhaps you actually LIKE feeling torn and emotional 24/7. "I never met such a woman. She'd certainly be a fearsome thing to behold." QUICK. Name that movie!

Anyhow, moving on. The roommate. For her safety's sake, we'll just call her MB. That's what I call her all the time, anyhow. We have her to thank for the charming title of this little bloglet. She just rolled over on her bed and uttered something similar to that. It was fascinating, really. I love when people talk in their sleep. I can't help but try to guess at what she's dreaming about. I can only assume, for reasons I will not share and can only wonder if you can understand, I think she's dreaming about taking a nap on the beach and making sure she has enough sunscreen on to keep from resembling the priciest item on the menu at West End when she wakes up. (By the way, for those of you not well versed in Virginia Techisms, that's lobster.) The point of bringing up MB -- she's absolutely awesome. Wonderful. effusive, and vibrant. For example, she tried to kill me earlier by chucking her dimestore fantasy novel at my head and half-shrieking, half-hiccoughing. It was, erm, endearing?

No, really, though. She's great. And that thing with the book? It may or may not have been an accident. It's open to interpretation, honestly. She has us all wrapped around her little finger, though, so I might just have to say that she had absolutely no intention of knocking me unconscious or, for that matter, hitting me to begin with. Haha.

Talk to you all (all who?) again soon. :)

Sand Dunes and Book Binges

2009-05-22T09:42:00.001-07:00

Hello bloggy world! Guess what?! Summer's here!

That photo is from my recent trip to Jockey's Ridge with Dennis. Jockey's Ridge is the largest sand dune on the east coast. We had an amazing time. We packed a picnic lunch and ate it in the backseat of my car, thanks to the wind whipping the sands around so much. Ah well. It was still a great time.

I've really been enjoying my summer so far. I'm trying to pick up my old job as much as I really don't want to work there anymore. Our area really doesn't have much to offer in the way of jobs right now, considering the state of the economy. So I figured the best decision was to start working my old job again where I have more or less a definite in, not to mention the best possible pay of any job I could have found.

Last night, Dennis and I made a trip to Barnes & Noble since we were in the area, and I started to regret my decision, wishing desperately that I could have gotten a job there. The likelihood that they were actually hiring, though, was slim to none, so I'm probably better off at my old job. Not to mention it would take my paycheck to drive to a job at Barnes & Noble anyway. Maybe next summer. :)

I'm going on a book binge. Don't worry, it's completely healthy. Just a lot of heavy reading to make the most of my summer. :) Here's my list so far:
+ ~~The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath~~****
+ Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
+ Swan's Way by Marcel Proust
+ Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
+ Emma by Jane Austen
+ Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis
+ A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
+ A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving
+ Several books by Jodi Picoult
+ Many more. :)

**** Strikethrough means I've finished reading

Wish me luck!

Star Trek and Actin' the Fool

2009-05-09T23:10:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking. Two consecutive posts? Impossible. Absolutely, utterly, and entirely impossible. You don't have to lie to me. That's definitely what's going through your mind right now. That or, "Kara, get to writing already. Your pathetic attempts to be funny and clever are failing miserably." Well, geeze. Fine, then. No need to be rude.

Ahem. I saw Star Trek tonight and let me say, as someone who has never really even attempted to be a Trekkie (i.e. watched a single episode...), that movie left me wishing I'd been one my whole life long. It was nothing short of incredible. I have to admit that my favorite character was not Spock, not Kirk, not McCoy, but rather, Chekov. Oh man. He was absolutely precious. I couldn't get enough of him. I made the mistake of sharing that little fact with Dennis on the phone tonight. Here's how that went:

Dennis: He had an absolutely over-the-top accent. I mean, that was unnecessary.
Kara: Aww, come on. He was my favorite character!
Dennis: Really? Well, that's fine. But still. It's really annoying when movies have characters with unbearably heavy accents.
Kara: I think all girls kinda have a thing for accents...
Dennis: I don't think I like where this is going.

Hahahaha. I'm sure I said something to assuage his discomfort over that particular topic, although I can't remember what it was at the moment. I also think it's much more entertaining to leave the conversation there, don't you? :)

So, if you didn't catch the main points of that:
1. Star Trek was awesome enough to make me want to be a Trekkie.
2. I have an itty-bitty-not-a-crush on Chekov.
3. My fascination with accents makes my boyfriend uncomfortable.

I've actually just remembered what it was that I used to cheer him up. I reminded him that every now and then his Irish heritage surfaces in his speech when he least expects it in words such as "potato," "portion," and "life." It's undeniably cute. I'll stop being gross now.

Dennis and I have a way of making people, well, not gag, but wince. Case in point -- Marybeth. Marybeth is my roommate for the 2009-10 school year. Last night, after studying for a few hours for our Survey of British Literature exam, I showed her Dennis' cover of "I Will Follow You into the Dark" as well as my copy of the same song with my vocal harmonies recorded into Dennis' track. She shook her head halfway into the song, buried her face in her hands and uttered a part-squeal, part-wince, part-disbelieving giggle and sighed, "You guys. Ugh. Too cute." We don't exactly intend to cause these reactions in people. It just seems to be what we do. I'm not sure whether we should be proud of this or not.

I've avoided singling people out to tell that Dennis spent all of today writing a song for me again today. Mostly because this song is particularly personal as it arose from a rather sad night the two of us had. I love the way he will go so far out of his way to make sure I'm okay. He's so loving. I'm so blessed to have him in my life.

Tonight, I probably shouldn't write a novel on here, since I'm already wracking my brain for more topics to write about from today. Not to mention, I'm distracted by listening to the afore-mentioned song on repeat. :)

I love you all! I hope all of your tomorrows are beautiful. <3

Bonus material -- A line from the song mentioned in the post:
"And I know: It takes an average of 21 seconds for you to burst out laughing when I tell a bad joke."
:)

Well, gee. This is awkward.

2009-05-08T14:31:00.001-07:00

I feel like you, my dear little blog, are the poor lovesick girl and I am that dreamy hunk of a guy you went on a date with once and never called you back. Except, maybe not so dreamy. Or hunky. Or a guy. But you get the point. I've neglected you and you have every right to be upset with me. Forgive me?

Right, then. After a two month unintentional hiatus, I've returned. I've been reading blogs this entire time, just not writing. You're not all that surprised though, are you? I somewhat blame it on what I will call my blogging lessons. I've been reading the blogs of Angie Smith (over here), Kristina Horner (over here), and Hayley Hoover (over here) and learning just what a blog should look like, be like, sound like, you name it. If you don't already read any of these three blogs, I highly suggest it. Angie is one of the biggest inspirations in my life, though she may have absolutely no idea. Kristina and Hayley are just two of the girls I wish I was on a daily basis. They're Monday and Thursday respectively of the fiveawesomegirls of Youtube fame. I've been more or less obsessed with their channel for well over a year. I'm not ashamed and you can't make me be!

So, yes. I'm trying to become a better blogger. I've realized that the only way to do so is to, well...blog. You'd think that would be intuitive, but, well, it's taken me a whole two months to figure that out. I'm a little slow to catch on sometimes.

Speaking of the 5AG (we were, weren't we?), my freshman year of college is coming to a close. Wait. How are those related? It's actually pretty simple. My college friends and I are more or less scattered across Virginia, so, this summer, we're taking up a 5AG-style vlogging extravaganza. It would help if we had a fourth of their creativity, spunk, and general awesomeness, but, well, we'll entertain ourselves at the very least. Feel free to join us on our summer adventures, if you'd like! (Over here, at our Youtube collab channel.). It should be great fun.

I only foresee a few issues at the moment. My friends Katie, Kristin, and I (all of the K's. Funny how that works.) are all very much into the project whereas our other three are a little less enthused. Or so it seems at the moment. Mary, Corinne, and Maria haven't exactly gone coocoo for Nerdfighteria the way the rest of us have. Additionally, Maria's going to Africa for the summer, so we've more or less decided that she'll be a guest Saturday vlogger when she returns home. Mary has said little on the subject and Corinne has...well, the same. I guess we'll see how it goes! I might ask my roommate for next year to jump in on the project if she so chooses. Here's the lineup as it stands right now:

Monday -- Kristin
Tuesday -- Kara, your truly
Wednesday -- Corinne
Thursday -- Katie
Friday -- Mary
Saturday(sometimes) -- Maria

In other news, I am SO ready to be back home. We're in our final few days of finals right now. I don't have any until Tuesday and Wednesday when I have two each day, but, I'm studying early, surprisingly. My boyfriend, Dennis, is already home for the summer, seeing as he goes to my school's rival college and just has to one-up me. I'm just aching to be home and spend the summer with him and my family. I miss them all so much.

I'm going to be doing a lot of missing for the next year, actually, seeing as my dad's leaving for Iraq soon. I'm not exactly happy about this in the least, but, I love him and support him and will suck it up. I'm just worried about my mom. I know she's tough, but raising a lot of kids on her own for a year is going to be rough on everyone.

Ah, well. I'm off to dinner with my dear Marybeth before studying for our British Literature final! Love you all!

<3

I never do what I should

2009-02-25T22:23:00.000-08:00

Okay, so that's not entirely true. But I have an essay to finish and it's already 1:30 in the morning. Oh boy.

I wanted to post to document the progress of my Lenten Resolution. Today, as you may know, was Ash Wednesday. There was a lot of talk around campus about Lent and ashes and an excess of the question, "What are YOU giving up?" In light of tonight's Gospel, though, ( Matthew 6:1-6, 16-18), this struck me as odd. One point of the Gospel today was the intentions and motives of your actions of faith. Prayer, fasting, and alms-giving (the three pillars of Lent), are meant to be done for God's almighty purpose and not for the purpose of making sure others see you do it. My Renew Faith-sharing group tonight had an interesting discussion tonight about our resolutions and about public actions. We kind of tackled it from all points of view and I can't give you much of a conclusion other than that one should always do things for the right reason, not for the sake of others seeing what we have done.

For this reason, I am posting my Lenten resolution for my sake alone. The purpose is not to call attention to myself and say, "Hey, look at what I'm doing. I'm a great Catholic!" This isn't my intention at all. My intention is to have a place where I can reflect on my day-to-day progress over the next 40-odd days. I more or less consider tomorrow Day 1 for this purpose, although technically, today is Day 1 (which is okay, since I didn't break my resolutions! :) ).

So today, Day 0 (or 1 ;p), I'd like to just outline my resolutions:

1. I will not buy anything for myself other than food for my room. This food has qualifications, too. I am limited to fruits, vegetables, crackers, milk, and orange juice. Nothing else will be bought for my personal desires. No trinkets, no yarn, no knitting needles, no crochet hooks, no books, no "nothin'".

2. I will return to going to the chapel daily for half an hour to read my Bible and pray. I started this last semester as part of a "Faith in Action" prompt from my Freshman Renew Faith-Sharing Group and although I have not returned to it yet this semester, I will make it happen daily over the next 40-odd days.

3. I will focus on compassion and love in the purest sense. For me, this means being kind to everyone, even when my pride would rather make a stand. I will not be short-tempered with anyone. I will spend time working with a food drive through my Newman community on campus. I will do my very best to avoid starting useless arguments with those close to me, since I find it so easy to lose my patience with those I'm closest to. It's time to overcome that human, sinful, habit. If not overcome, than at least stand up against it. We're all capable of being better than that and I'm willing to prove that to my God and myself.

That's more or less it. I'm praying I can make it work the way God wants it to. May He enlighten me and teach me so much in this season of reflection. God bless you all!

"We will wear compassion and the gates of Hell won't stand against it." - As Cities Burn: "Gates"

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

2008-11-20T22:42:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow. Finally! I’ve been waiting so long to go back home again. And this time, not only do I get to see my family, I get to eat unbelievable amounts of food: heaps of mashed potatoes, piles of turkey, oceans of gravy, towers of cranberry sauce. Holidays are beautiful, beautiful things. But in the true spirit of the holiday (giving thanks) my post next Thursday (or possibly the day before, in order to maximize the amount of time I spend with my family on the day of), my post will simply be an enumeration of all that I am thankful for – and believe me, it’s a lot!

I must admit, here, however, that I haven’t been completely honest with you: I don’t go home tomorrow. Not home, home, anyhow. But to one of my homes: my future home. With Dennis. I’m stopping at the halfway point of my journey to stay with him at UVa because his military ball is tomorrow night! I promise to upload pictures and a synopsis of events. I’m sure I’d love to look back at it years from now. Anywho. Back on track!

Yesterday was stressful, to say the least. I went to Wal*Mart and the mall in Christiansburg to look for a semi-formal dress to wear to tomorrow’s dance. You wouldn’t believe what I found at Wal*Mart…or rather what I didn’t find. That’s right. They didn’t have a single dress! Not one! I was thoroughly disappointed considering shopping trips for me tend to be excruciatingly painful – just ask my mother! All the way over, I was hoping with all of my heart that we would walk into Wal*Mart, find the clearance rack (after all, it is Winter, now) and find that the first dress was both cute and modest. But, no. Not only did I not find a cute, modest dress. I didn’t find a much-too-revealing, ugly dress either! I didn’t find a single dress. Disappointed? Definitely. Discouraged? Somewhat. Believe me, though, not quite as discouraged as I would be a few hours later that same day. Just wait.

So after discovering Wal*Mart to be a complete bust, we moved on to the mall. Poor Jason (Nicknamed Krusty after Krusty the Clown on the Simpsons, I believe), who drove us, spent the entire hour or so walking around Dick’s Sporting Goods attempting to entertain himself. Meanwhile, Kaytlyn and I went into every single store in the mall. JC Penney (where the dresses were frumpy and overpriced despite being on clearance), Sears (where there wasn’t a single dress to be found), DEB (where all of the dresses were so short they would hardly cover the butt of a two-year-old), The Gap (where there was only one dress with the ugliest print Kaytlyn and I have ever seen), and several others with one or several of the above results. It was unbelievable! How difficult is it to sell a cute, modest dress for less than a hundred dollars? Or, simply, a cute modest dress? Kaytlyn was right when she said – “What we need is a Kohl’s!” Haha.

So, again – disappointed and discouraged, but still not the worst. On the car ride back, I wracked my brain to think of someone at Tech who had a similar body type to mine of similar height that might have a dress. I finally thought: Kyra! I immediately texted Kyra; her responding text was encouraging: she had several dresses and was willing to show me whenever I had the chance. As soon as I was back on campus, I ran over to her residence hall and followed one of the other residents in (seeing as my key wouldn’t let me in). Once I found her room, she and her roommate, Nicole, showed me the dresses they had. All of Kyra’s turned out to be summery garden party dresses. Nicole had two cute brown ones, but when I tried them on, both didn’t fit.

All three of us sat and thought of whom else I might possibly call. We ended up calling Kerry in the hope that she might have something, considering that we’re about the same height and body shape. It turned out, of course, that Kerry had absolutely nothing. Then, we settled for trying someone shorter than me – Erin. I called her and she informed me that she was still in class and would be for another two or three hours and told me to just go to her dorm room and look through her closet – so I did. She had two dresses: a purple one and a black one. I spent about an hour in front of the mirror in her room trying to get the tops of the dresses to actually be somewhat modest, imagining what a pin here or a pin there might do. No matter what I did with the purple one, though, modesty just wasn’t possible. The black one seemed a little more likely to work, although still not ideal due to the openness of the back of the dress and the unlikelihood of me actually being capable of pinning the front in an appealing fashion. In the end, I took the black one back to my room just to have it as a back up in case something better didn’t come along. This was about the height of my disappointment. I’d tried so many times by this point that I was close to giving up.

Eventually, Kimmie called me back after I texted her. She and two other girls in her suite (Ari and Cathleen) had pooled together their dresses to form a selection for me to choose from. I was overjoyed when I saw them. There were at least three that I could definitely be comfortable in (one of which would have taken a little pinning and adjusting) and finally, we four settled on the cute black one with the lacy v-neck (which I plan to wear a camisole underneath). It’s a very simple dress, but it’s perfect for the function in my opinion. I can’t begin to describe my relief to you in having this all taken care of – and for free!

Maybe it was the relief, or maybe just the comfort of my bed, but I slept really well that night. So well, in fact, that I got out of bed an hour and fifteen minutes later than I had originally set my alarm for. I love waking up in my bed here. I wake up looking out the window – at a wall of windows. The view from our window may not be perfect, but the sunlight streaming and reflecting off said windows? Beautiful. Except, perhaps, waking up next to my husband. But that’s a few years down the road. For now, the sun will have to do. :)

I showered, ate my breakfast while practicing for my math quiz, and then sauntered off to the math emporium to take my quiz. My math quiz, thank goodness, was a success! Six out of six correct. I was worried going into it, because the one last practice quiz I took before finally taking the real thing, I scored a three out of six on, which, obviously, was entirely unacceptable after the hours of studying I did the night before. I rode the bus back to campus and read Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal along the way. If you ever plan on reading that particular piece of satire, I don’t suggest you do it on a bus that’s teetering up and down hills. Reading about cannibalism isn’t the best idea when your stomach is already queasy. Believe me. I got off of the bus and walked straight to my English class (for which I was reading that particularly clever piece of literature).

English class was somewhat upsetting today, honestly. I’m so tired of people taking advantage of our poor professor who is absolutely, without a doubt, the most adorable and sweet-natured English teacher I’ve ever had. No one, except for myself (or so it would seem, considering that out of 30 kids, only I had something to say about what we read over an hour’s worth of class time) had actually read the material. She always does her best to have our assignments graded and graded fairly and to give us ample opportunities for extra credit and worthwhile grades. The least they could do is read what she assigns. On a lighter note, I finally got my first paper for her class back – I earned a 92! I’m incredibly proud of this grade. It’s my first college paper, after all! I’m going to discuss ways for me to improve with her sometime after Thanksgiving Break. I respect her advice. Thankfully, though, she and I sorted out the issue of my exam not sending through my e-mail. She believes me (as is the truth) that I completed and sent the e-mail out Thursday night, but my e-mail malfunctioned and tried to send it on an unavailable server and didn’t actually send until Saturday night. Technology drives me crazy sometimes (Says the girl who’s writing on a blog on her laptop at this very moment…)

The rest of the day has been wonderful. I went to choir practice, had ice cream with Marie, Nathaniel, and Laura, and then finally loaned my copy of Twilight to Marie like I’d promised her weeks before. Afterwards, Katie and I watched The Office and I video chatted with Dennis and watched kittens romp around in videos he sent me. I want a cat so badly, but, my dad told me that if I own a cat when I’m older, he and my mother will never visit me, since she’s allergic. Since then, Dennis and I have been looking into hypoallergenic cats. We’ll see. :)

And now, I’m sitting in the laundry room on the windowsill, baking in the heat of eighteen dryers and sixteen washers while wearing a long-sleeve shirt and corduroys. Not my smartest fashion decision. But believe me, what I wish I were wearing for comfort’s sake would not be at all appropriate for public. It’s hot! After my laundry’s done drying, I have yet to fold it and pack for my trip. This is crazy! I’m going to be so sleep deprived. Thank goodness my 9:05AM class was cancelled. :)

While folding my laundry, I was the only one in the laundry room, so I opened my laptop back up and started playing my faith sharing group playlist as loud as I wanted. Another kid came in a few minutes later while "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve was playing and he definitely started singing along. He probably didn't think I could hear him, but I definitely could. Hehe! I love spreading joy at one in the morning!

Edit: Okay, so, I get back to my room, and what do I find? Someone has SPIT on the door to my and my roommate’s door! It’s appalling. How can people be so inconsiderate and disgusting? I just don’t understand. Katie and I are so unimposing. We don’t do anything to bother anyone and yet – this. Humanity is a thing to wonder at.

I can’t wait for tomorrow!

God bless all of you and all of your tomorrows. <3

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. :)

2008-11-18T10:16:00.000-08:00

It's a beautiful Tuesday afternoon and, on any other Tuesday afternoon, I'd be getting ready for class. But not this Tuesday. This Tuesday I'm free to relax and make the most of the beautiful day outside. Why is all of this possible? My English class was cancelled - again. I'm new to the whole college thing, yes, but, is one class supposed to be cancelled so many times? I'm not complaining, really. After all, it's nice to have a break. :)

As I'm writing, I'm watching the snow drift in lazy circles outside my dorm room window. It started snowing early morning Sunday while Dennis and I were walking to the Church on campus. Having here already had me in a beautiful mood; the snow just made it that much better! And yes, you read that right! Dennis visited this weekend! He rode the Greyhound out to Roanoke where the boyfriend of our friend Cam's roommate picked the three of them (Cam, Dennis, and Amanda) up and drove them to campus.

While I sat on the bench outside my dorm around six in the evening, awaiting his arrival, every single boy that walked past looked like him for a split second. I was that excited. I honestly almost tackled one kid, thinking it was Dennis. Honestly, I should have my eyes checked. Haha.

When I finally did spot him (the real one! Hahaha) he was across the street from me so I had to wait to tackle him. But once he made it across, he was immediately in my arms and I in his. I'm so thankful for the technology that allows me to talk to him face to face every night on my computer, but, I'm exponentially more thankful to be able to hug him.

Needless to say it was a fantastic weekend, other than poor Dennis having to stay up late at the mercy of the people he was spending the night with and then the both of us being so tired on Saturday that our emotions were a little topsy turvy. It was so wonderful to introduce him to everyone I talk about all of the time. We watched copious amounts of Jon and Kate Plus Eight, Amelie, and several episodes of the Office that he was behind on while eating caesar salad, macaroni, and chicken sandwiches from DXpress. Yum!

He and I went out for lunch on Saturday to Backstreets and had bruschetta and a New York style pizza topped with green peppers, pepperoni, and onion. Yum! It was delicious. =) Afterwards, we stopped in at Crumb and Get It Cookie Co. (which is like Coldstone for cookies - "You know it's a rip-off when the first thing they say to you is 'It's like Coldstone...'" - Dennis. Hahaha.) where we made sugar cookies with rainbow sprinkles and chocolate cookies with Reese's Pieces. While we were waiting for our cookies to bake, we sat at one of the tables and thumbed through the "conversation starter" cards Crumb and Get It always has on the tables. We asked each other a bunch of questions such as "What's the best and worst thing about being a man/woman" and came up with some pretty silly answers to a lot of them.

When our cookies were done, I walked him around campus and showed him two of my classrooms before taking him to the Duck Pond. The Duck Pond is considered, I suppose, the most romantic place on campus. Personally, I would say it's just the most beautiful! We sat on the brick wall by the miniature waterfall and ate our cookies while talking and laughing like always. He made me laugh so hard, I cried. I've missed that. :) I accidentally snatched the largest half of one of the cookies and Dennis teased me to no end over it. I love him so much.

After a while, it began to get cold, so we returned to my dorm where we watched tv, ate pixy stix, and he babied me because my stomach felt absolutely awful. We decided later it was probably the bruschetta. Bleh. Why do the foods I love always bite me back?

We made it (with a few minor complications...whoops) to my big brother's Mixed Emotions a cappella concert, which was absolutely fantastic! I really wish I had made the group when I tried out, but, I'll keep trying. :) No hard feelings...just an overwhelming desire to be a part of it. I really hope I was right when I told Dennis that I'd like to think I could overcome my fear of being a soloist for the sake of the group. We'll see!

Speaking of Mixed Emotions, they're actually in the running for having a song ("The Luckiest") on Ben Folds' college a cappella CD. You can actually find the video here. And, it's really really rough, since it was their first day learning the song, but you can almost hear my brother singing his solo on Would You Go With Me. Just a little shameless plugging. :)

Cam spent the night with me Saturday night. I really adore her! She's so sweet and fun and open to everyone. I'm glad that even after high school is over, I'm getting the chance to know someone I should have gotten to know better back then. It's a blessing, for sure.

Sunday morning, Dennis and I went to the 10 o'clock mass at Newman Chapel where Dennis whine ( ;D ) about not knowing any of the songs. It is a bit ironic, considering that Catholic means "universal" and the intercessions during mass tend to be the same at any Catholic Church you go to...but, nope. Not Newman. We prefer to write our own. ;D Dennis likes singing along at mass, so he was an itsy bit disgruntled by that. I found it slightly amusing because I remember how overwhelmed I was my first morning singing in the choir, not knowing ANY of the intercessions. God was just reminding me not to be cocky, I suppose. :)

After Church, Dennis and I wolfed down a brunch of plain pancakes, blueberry pancakes, scrambled eggs, potatoes, and biscuits with jam before we whisked him off to Amanda's boyfriend's car to meet the Greyhound in Roanoke. The weekend really flew by. But I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it. It was so good to have him here where I wish he could be every single day. I was grateful that we had the little time we did, though. :)

This evening at the Newman House (where the Catholic community hosts all of their events, where our priest and campus minister live, etc.) we're having our Thanksgiving Dinner and canned food drive. I'm super excited because I haven't done anything with Newman recently and I love everyone there immensely! My (last? :( ) faith sharing meeting is afterwards, too. In the middle of dinner, I should be running over to the GLC to hear Bethany and Alaina play their set for Beth's birthday with the Acoustic Cafe. I'm super excited for them! I know they'll be incredible. :)

That's all for now, lovelies! I love you all and hope your weeks are blessed! <3

Not Me Monday!

2008-11-10T21:31:00.000-08:00

In true MckMama form, it's "Not Me Monday!" ...a half-hour past Monday's end. Haha. Oh well!

Today, I most certainly did not wake up, reset my alarm for fifteen minutes later and climb back into bed effectively making it impossible for me to make it to the chapel on time for my morning reflection. Nope, not me!

I definitely didn't absolutely freeze on the way to class because I thought my sweater was cuter than my marshmallow-bulky winter coat. Nope, not me!

I can guarantee I didn't down half of a family-sized jar of Motts Apple Sauce even after eating chicken nuggets and macaroni from DXpress. Nope, not me!

I didn't stay up past midnight after promising myself I'd be in bed by twelve. Nope, not me!

I most certainly did not take a three and a half hour nap this afternoon despite all of the hours of homework I had ahead of me. Nope, not me!

I most certainly did not have all fulfilling and perfectly amazing phone and video chat conversations with Dennis today. Nope, not me!

And I definitely didn't catch up with my very best friend while I was supposed to be doing homework. Nope! Not me!

Haha. I hope everyone's Monday was marvelous. ;D

I love you all! God bless you. <3

Quick, hurry!

2008-11-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

I have five hours to live up to the promise I made in my last journal (over at LJ) about writing my next entry before a month's time has passed. How does this happen? How on earth did time pass me by so quickly. Before I know it, I'm going to be a grandmother. Sheesh.

Anyhow. Here we go!

A lot has happened since I last wrote. In fact, so much has happened that I honestly cannot have retained memory of every little thing. See? There's my motivation to update regularly. This journal isn't just for your benefit, but mine too. I'm going to want to be able to look back and see what was going on with me at different times of my life. So there, Kara, there's your reason. Memory's sake.

Since I can't possibly remember everything, I'll just focus on what has happened within the last week, or two, or three.

I have gotten so involved with the Catholic Church ministry here on campus and I absolutely love every minute of it. I've been part of the church choir since my first Sunday at Virginia Tech and every mass and Thursday night choir practice since then has been so rewarding for me. The people I encounter there are so loving, so full of life and a zeal for God that I can only hope to emulate. Needless to say, I think I'm on my way to finding my niche in this humongous university and I'm undeniably excited about that. In addition to getting involved with the choir, I've been involved just in general, attending talks, dinners, movie nights, and by joining a Freshman Faith-Sharing Group.

My faith sharing group is incredible. I used to not have a determined high point of my week, something I would always look forward to, but now I do. My week begins on Tuesday night at 8pm and the moment it's over, I can't wait for the next Tuesday to roll around. The friends I'm making in that group are hopefully those that God intended for me to foster deep relationships with over the next few years while I'm here. First off, there's Marybeth. She's a bundle of energy, to say the least, but she's incredible. She's so curious and passionate about growing in understanding of the faith we're trying to live and I admire that about her. Secondly, there's Megan. Megan immediately established herself as someone I could identify with--from observing the day of silence for aborted babies to her general outlook on life, enthusiasm, and optimism. Just the other night, even though we haven't known each other long, she felt comfortable enough to hug me when I was feeling more distressed and down than I ever have in my life (maybe more on that later...). I sincerely hope God has a plan for her and I to be friends for life. I already cherish her friendship only four or five weeks into knowing her. There are a lot more of them: Rebecca, Christian, Nick, Sean, Josh, Anneliese, Stephen, Brittany, Kelley. They're all so much fun and so different. I can't wait to get to know all of them even better. =)

On the subject of my recent extreme depression, I won't say much, because it has more or less passed and I don't want to recall how unpleasant it was. Basically, things just got really out of hand and both I and someone else said things we didn't mean and interpreted things one another said in the wrong way, and just pushed things way over the edge. But as with any awful thing, some good things come of them, such as: a fresh perspective, camaraderie with my brother, and the support of new friends. The really good thing is that things have more or less been smoothed out with said person and we're moving on with more respect for one another and each others' opinions.

I've read two incredible books in the last week or so: "Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship" and "Girl Talk," both of which help young Christians (the first, those pursuing marriage) and the second (Christian daughters and mothers) to live a godly life in all that they do. Obviously, for me, this is really exciting because I'd love to find myself at the end of my life and be able to honestly say that I lived for God. "Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." -- 1 Corinthians 10:31 -- Good words to live by. =)

The "Girl Talk" book really excites me because it's going to be a foundation for becoming even closer to my mom. Because of everything that happened this week (with the depression and argument, and whatnot) I realized how wrong I was to not include my mother in so much more of my life than I have thus far. I really needed her this week, and in the past, but I had never realized before how much I would have needed her. For that reason, I'm going to share the book with my mom and hopefully have her read it by the time I come back for Thanksgiving Break that way we can discuss the book and really set things in motion. =) I'm so excited! If I make this happen, it'll mean that my little sisters will never have to suffer through the pain I have this week on their own. They'll have my mom on their side before they get in over their heads.

And so, it is now 12:22 at night, and I've said all that I really want to say at the moment, considering I still have some homework to do. And no, it didn't take me six hours to write this; I went to the Hokie Thursday Night Football game with my brother and his friends. So good! We beat UMD 23-13. GO HOKIES!

I love you all! Have an amazing day tomorrow. <3