...is a huge mess. I won't even pretend it's something else. Those of you who know me well enough to know why are the only ones that read this blog, so I won't outright say why. But let's just say it's a justified mess. It has been more than a month (1 month and 12 days to be exact) since the mess-causing incident, and few of those days have been tearless. It's so frustrating. I want to be happy, but I know that I physically and emotionally just CAN'T be. So in that sense, I don't want to be. Because it's part of the healing process, part of getting back to me minus the best friend I have ever had. My life is just one huge Catch-22 right now; I tell myself, "Don't think of him." which, of course, makes me think of him. And then when I try not to think of anything at all, I think of him. And I have to come to terms with the fact that that's okay. That I'm allowed to miss him with all of my heart. I gave him my whole entire heart, and I had it handed back to me in pieces. I'm allowed to not be okay. I just keep reminding myself of Ecclesiastes 3: "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under Heaven...A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance." So I'll weep and mourn. It sounds dramatic, but it's what I feel, and anyone who has loved and lost to the extent that I have can understand that.
One thing that's for sure in this crazy storm my life has become (the English major in me has been loving the pathetic fallacy of Blacksburg raining and thunderstorming several times every single day) is that I have to open my eyes again. I have to re-realize all of the ways in which God blesses my life. And He does. Oh my goodness, does He. I have the most incredible friends a girl could ever ask for--they cry with me and laugh with me, they "walk" me home from movies by phone when I'm sobbing my eyes out in public at 11:30 at night on the busiest street in town, they talk me out of decisions that we both know will just end up hurting me more, they listen to all of the pointless and inconsequential stories that I no longer know who to tell. They just invest their hearts into my wellbeing whenever they can. They open themselves up to being channels of God's love in my life. And that has been my saving grace.
I keep trying to figure out how to "move forward" or "move on" from this. But my heart is putting up such a resistance to it. So I know that what I really need to do is just spend time with the memories of what I've lost (present, past, and future) and cherish them for what the were--the most beautiful days of my life thus far. Effortlessly perfect just because he was there. I trusted him completely and entirely, and he never ever let me down. I still trust him, still believe in him. We had a conversation once in response to one of Father John's homilies about how every person's goal should be to be a saint. I'm pretty sure I was too directionless at that point to really know what I wanted to be a patron saint of and ended up saying something about being the patron saint of hugging or high-fiving, but he knew his right away. He wanted to be the Patron Saint of North American Painters. Maybe that's not the exact semantics of it, but the point is, he knew. And I sincerely believe that's where he's headed. No one with a heart as big as his ends up anything less than a saint.
And THAT is why it's so hard to move on. You don't just forget or replace someone like that. They change you, they change your life, they change your world...and from that point on, everything is redefined. Having your world redefined by someone who has removed themself from it is complicated. It involves redefining your world, your life, yourself on your own, which, may I just say, is no small thing. It's going to be years before I fully come to grips with what has passed. I'm hoping the tears stop before then, but I'm trusting that God has a plan, that He can help me make the most of this redefinition of my world, and help me to be the beautiful woman of God my soul so yearns to be but isn't. WIth or without him, I had a long way to go. With him, it felt more plausible and closer, but, God and I will make this work. It's the nature of the world to throw curveballs. But God's all-time catcher: He's always ready and prepared to help you call the next shot. (Let's be honest, I have NO idea if that's even a proper analogy because as much as I love throwing and catching baseballs, I still don't REALLY know the game...but I was on a roll. Forgive me. :P).
In any case, that's the state of my life right now on the emotional front--accepting my appointed time of weeping and mourning, desiring the happiest of endings: being God's girl through and through.
Fiscally (wow, rocky segue), my life is also a mess. I got an internship with the library for the summer, but it's unpaid and only 10 hours per week. Therefore, I've been trying really hard since the end of the semester to land a summer job that can support my long-anticipated Blacksburg Summer. Nothing has actually panned out yet. I was a traitor to Moe's and actually had an interview at Chipotle (it was a whirlwind as to how that happened, and a good story) but it didn't result in being hired (yet?). I might end up being a Chipotle convert (how's that for redefining your life? :P). I've applied at way too many other places to count. Let's try, though!
1. Books-A-Million! as a barista for their café.
2. Starbucks on Main.
3. Starbucks on University City Boulevard.
4. Edible Arrangements.
5. Poor Billy's
6. Big Al's
7. Mill Mountain Coffee
8. 622 North*
13. Ben & Jerry's
14. Student Services Office
15. VT Food Service Wage Pool
16. The Grove (President's Home at VT)
I think that's it. The few starred ones are the ones that I picked up an application from but have not yet returned the application TO the restuarant/company. It's driving me nuts that I've heard nothing from a single one of these, though. It's a lot! Oh well. Trusting that everything will work out for the best.
In other news, I'm going home. Because this job thing just isn't working out yet, I don't need to be in Blacksburg...so I'm not going to be. I can't wait to be home for a few days before my internship starts. I miss my family a lot a lot a lot. <3
Aaaand, that's all I'm going to write for now because I'm TIRED. It's 3:45 in the morning because I was keeping the lovely Ms. Catie company while she worked on her Industrial Design summer lab homework. She's amazing. At life. And drawing the soles of shoes, too! And forgetting to press buttons in elevators! Amazing. ;)
Aaaanyway. Goodbye for now! Let's cross our fingers that I update again soon. :)